Would that the title of this blog were from some great author.. maybe it is.. but I remember it from that classic of nerdy sci fi... Babylon 5.  In the last season, they played this quote from Ambassador Kosh at the beginning of every episode..

Now while it might seem trite to open the second year of my blogging, and my website, with a quote from what some may or may not consider good 1990's sci fi, I can't help the fact that this phrase keeps coming into my head with the new year.  And, perhaps, it might be applicable, both to me and those on that space station...

They had just come through plotting, alien attacks, revolutions.. and created out of all if it a new universal order...

Now while I can't claim to have fought any aliens this past year.. or at least, no one would believe me if I did.. I hope to start this new year off on a high note, and see whether I can't form a new personal order out of the chaos of the past one...  being laid off from two jobs, my life moving from one state to another, and enough personal issues to fill a small volume...

The downside is how much this distracted me from my writing.  The upside is... and I hope this is the case.. as with all things.. I hope I've learned something from it all.. and come out the other side a better person.  Because, I mean, if not.. then what the fuck was the point?

So this evening.. I sat down and wrote another chapter of An American Crusade.. and it was, if I might say so myself, pretty damn good. 

This year, I'm going to find that balance between my job and my life I lacked last year, the balance between working out and writing, I'm going to finish An American Crusade and get The First Coming published... and in the midst of all that.. I'm still going to get some sailing done....

And so it begins.. and I'm looking forward to it..

I find myself out of sorts with the writing world these days... I've only written one chapter in the last month.. I think it's a pretty good chapter.. but only one?  Not a great track record.

It's not that I don't have the ideas.. I so want to finish An American Crusade.. and I have so many more I want to write.  In fact, while I was out on my bike ride today, I came up with another idea for a new book.. I just need to start cranking them out...

But it feels like I've lost my writing mojo.. I just can't find the motivation.  I barely blog.. and haven't paid enough attention to my friend's blogs.. I'm not sure why I'm in this writing funk...

What to do?  Open to suggestions.. both good and bad.

I could come up with excuses.. the new job.. the holidays.. maybe because I don't belong to a writing group here in Sacramento.. but none of it's true.  It's something on the inside.. and I'm not sure what it is...

When Austin Powers lost his mojo.. someone stole it from him.. he just had to steal it back...

If only it were so easy..

I haven't been writing.. I haven't been blogging.. I canceled Myspace and just checked Facebook for the first time in a week...

However, I have been working out.. a lot.  In fact, I went for a 40 mile bike ride today.. and it was great.

So here's what I was thinking about while I rode (since I don't have an IPod, I think a lot when I'm on my bike, which is a good thing, I hope): Why does it seem like I'm able to focus on being a physical person or a mental person, but not both?

It seems that when I focus on going to the gym and eating right, that my writing goes right out the window.  And when I'm writing and spending time on the computer, I sit on my ass and don't work out.  Can't I do both?

It could be a matter of how many hours there are in a day, but I doubt it.  My new job is taking up some of my time.. but not that much.  And after all, it does seem that we can make time for those things that are important to us... and aren't both these things important?

That led me to thinking about people in general.  Now this next part is going to be completely stereotypical.. I know.. and a huge generalization.. but still: Isn't it true that a lot of people that are in great physical shape, i.e. the "beautiful people", are not exactly known for their mental prowess?  On the other hand, how many intellectuals end up on the cover of GQ? 

Maybe we can just focus on one thing at a time.  Maybe our bodies have evolved to either hunt and gather, or be scribes...

Who knows.  The more physically active I am, the less I eat.  Maybe my brain is starving and can't be creative...

There is, however, one thing I'm completely sure of.  After riding 40 miles today.. my ass hurts sitting on this wooden chair..   But that's a good thing.. right..?

Two weeks after moving my boat from Seattle to San Francisco to accommodate my new life and my new job.. my company decides to close the office.. without involving me in the conversation...

Life will go on.. I already have one job offer and another on the way.. but it made me think about the way we treat people.. both in business and in life.

We often use the phrase.. the excuse really.. that business is business.  In fact, it seems that people that are willing to sacrifice other's lives are often promoted in the business world.  I was asking my employees the other day, "Why do you think that bosses who are liked by their employees are rarely liked by upper management, and vice versa."  The overwhelming answer, "Because those bosses care about their employees.. and management doesn't appreciate that."

So the hard asses get promoted, and the nice guys finish last.. oh well.  I'd still rather be a nice guy.

My boss had the gall to come into the office, tell us he was closing it.. and then proceed to tell us that he's "taking advantage of the economy to upgrade his house."  Unbelieverable.

I never want to be a person like that... either in my professional or my personal life.  I've focused my efforts over the last couple of weeks on finding jobs for everyone in my office.. and I think at 80 or 90% of us will land somewhere else within the next two weeks.  I feel pretty good about that... and I plan to keep working on behalf of the last few.. figure it's the least I can do.

That's the same philosophy I try and apply in the rest of my life as well.. I only hope I'm not letting anyone slip by unnoticed..

In the end.. I think it'll work in my favor.  Maybe I could be promoted faster if I stepped on other's heads.. but I don't think I could live with myself if I did.  I'd rather climb the ladder the old fashioned way.. honestly.. and if I never make it to the top... maybe the universe is trying to tell me something.   For those who do otherwise.. I'd like to think the universe will eventually deliver them a message as well...

Mark Twain said, "Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did do.  So throw off the bowlines.  Sail away from the safe harbor.  Catch the trade winds in your sails.  Explore.  Dream.  Discover."  The more the world of business kicks me around.. the closer that goal becomes.  Maybe I need to consider it sooner rather than later.

Needless to say.. all of these events have played havoc with both my writing and my blogging.  After having a rush of inspiration on An American Crusade.. I've not touched it for a while.  But I think it's time to get back to what I truly love.. I'll work another job.. but will it consume so much of my life?  Probably not anymore.. probably time to get some perspective and focus on what my life is really about..

Time to cast off the bowlines...

The week before last I brought my sailboat down the coast from Seattle to San Francisco Bay.  I had been both looking forward to it and dreading it for months.  On the upside, it was going to be my first open water experience, and I needed that to see what my future for sailing around the world might be.  On the downside, I was wondering how the mechanics of a nearly thirty-year-old boat would behave in the open ocean.

In the end, everything worked out fine.. and it was an amazing experience.  But as the trip progressed, I found that everyday had something both amazing and stressful...

On the first day out, one of the older batteries fried out.  On the second day, there was air in the hydraulic line for the helm.  Three days brought water in the bilge from a bad check valve.  Leaving port after two nights of bad weather with everything fixed, the bow thruster batteries boiled over.  The next day, a leaky o-ring on a fuel filter, this after running in fog for a day and a half.  Fortunately the last day brought only burned out light bulbs...

On the other hand, the first day also brought an amazing sunset.  The next day a pod of orcas.  Leaving Newport, Oregon we were followed by a pod of white-sided dolphins.  Coming around Point Reyes it was breaching humpbacks.  And then coming under the Golden Gate Bridge. Every night was filled with stars and bioluminescent oceans... amazing.

So even through every day had it's trouble.. every day also had it's reward.  I think every day is like that.. whether on land or sea.  At sea, it stressed me out more than my days on land.. even though I was able to fix everything, it just worried me that we were so far from land.  But I'm sure similar thing happen here at home every day as well.. I just don't worry about them as much.

I guess the question is not whether things are going to happen.. they are.. it's more a matter of what do we focus on.. the amazing things life is showing us.. or the other things we worry about.. probably too much.  I admit.. looking back on the trip.. I worried too much about what might happen.. an didn't allow myself to enjoy what was going on as much as I should have.  I tend to live my life like that all the time.. and need to work on it.  Things will happen.. but good things might happen only once.  If you're too busy watching the engine gages.. you might miss the whale breeching just past your bow.

My goal.. take my eyes off the worries and look forward into the adventure.  Sure, things will happen, and I know I can fix them.  But in the meantime.. I don't want to miss a single thing that might be coming down the road...

An open apology to all my friends in the blogging world of writing.  I've not blog or visited your blogs in over two weeks, and for this I'm sorry.  But I offer as an excuse a good thing.. at least I feel it's a good thing.  In that same timeframe the creative juices have been flowing, and the little free time I seem to have these days I've spent writing An American Crusade.  As I check my word count tonight, I've added some 17000 pretty good words since the muse kicked me in the ass two weeks ago....

So while I have thought I should stop and blog at some point, I've spent that time instead writing and re-writing... and I think the story is coming along nicely...

I therefore beg your indulgence for the next few weeks while all the gory details are in my mind just waiting to pour out my fingertips and into my keyboard.  Hell.. I might even finish the damn thing...

In the meantime.. I wish everyone the best with their projects... and I'll see you again in the blogging world soon...

I've been riding my bicycle along the American River pathway in Sacramento a lot ever since I moved here a couple of months ago.  It's about the best exercise I can get until my ankle is back up to running...

The trail is smooth and paved, but some of the corners can be rather sharp.  Still, the longer I ride, the more familiar I become with the trail, and the faster I've begun taking the corners.  When I first started, I was nervous about sand or gravel, and having the bike slip... but the more I ride.. it becomes less of an issue...

Just like riding a motorcycle, the faster you take a corner, the more you need to lean the bike over.  And I have to admit.. I don't like that part...  It made me realize that some of the things I enjoy most in life.. sailing, riding my motorcycle, bicycling.. require quite a bit of heel... or lean.. the faster you go.  And whether it's a sailboat.. or a bike.. I don't like it... I feel unstable and uncomfortable.. I want to straighten it back out...   but if I were to do that.. I'd go off course.. maybe crash.. it's a no-win scenario..

But what does that desire to be upright and stable say about me?  I'll admit.. I don't consider myself a risk taker.  I remember talking to a free face mountain climber once in an outdoor store, and I asked him, "Doesn't that scare you?"  His reply: "Of course it does.  If it didn't I could get the same thrill walking down the sidewalk."  True, and perhaps astute, but I'm not ready to go climb a mountain... at least not yet.

On the other hand, I'd hardly consider myself a homebody.  Of everyone in my family, I've traveled more than anyone, done crazier things than anyone.. people think I live a life of adventure, and I guess I do.. but I still get nervous about the lean...

I guess I'm going to have to relax and get used to it.  I'm sure I can..  The more you do something, the more comfortable it becomes.  Sailing my boat this weekend in some pretty heavy winds on Puget Sound, I was pretty nervous at first.. it had been a while and the boat was heeling over quite a bit... but then I got more comfortable with it.  Still, once you get used to a new position.. it does make me wonder... well, what do you do next?  Or maybe there is nothing else.. I doubt it.. but that would be worse..

The only way to change yourself.. to change the world.. is to first move things off kilter.. and then see where they are when they straighten back up.  I'm not suggesting anything revolutionary or violent.. rather just asking questions about why things are the way they are and whether they should remaining that way just because they always have been.  Learn them over a bit mentally, examine them closely, and see whether they stand up or fall down.  If you hold course.. sooner or later the wind is going to beat the shit out of you.. but if you watch it.. observe it.. work with it.. you'll get where you want to go.. and might be surprised by the path that gets you there...

Sooner or later, I guess, we all end up in the drink.  I guess if I'm gonna go.. I'd like it to be on the way to an adventure....

I had a most unexpected yet pleasant experience this weekend, which just helps make up for last weekend... but I digress...

Between getting laid off, finding another job, moving, trying to kick start this office back into business... my well spring of words had run dry for longer than I felt comfortable with.  The last time I had written was back in April, and even that felt forced.

So this past Saturday, I was working on a proposal for a project I want to bid on at work.  Often, one project is very much like another, and it's easier to recycle the words and effort of an old proposal rather than re-invent the wheel.  One needs to update the facts and figures, and make sure it's tailored to fit the new project, but much of it is the same.

But for this project, we had no previous proposal to draw upon.  It was a bit different than what we had done before.  But since I had to write something.. I forced myself to sit down and do it.  After all, business is business.

And to my surprise, the creative juices began to flow...

I guess I never really thought about my day job, being an environmental scientist, as being that creative.  I mean, after all, it's all about the science.  But now documents are becoming more reader friendly, which is good, and we've been forced to be more creative.  And in these economic time, I need our proposals to stand out, and that makes me be even more creative.

So by the time I was done.. I had composed a document as fluid as any story or work of music.. something I was proud of.  And even better, the muse returned to me.

That night I stayed up until 1 AM writing.. and the next day it kept coming... So far, it's been 5000 words in three days.. and the tap does not yet seem dry.

So wish me luck.. I may not get any sleep over the next few weeks.. but maybe I'll get my first draft of An American Crusade done..

And then I can start the next one...............

The trail was steeper than I expected, but the view was amazing.  Not being used to the thin mountain air, it took longer than I thought it would to scale the ridge, plus, my ankle was acting up.  So rather than spend two nights in the woods, one would have to suffice.  In the morning, a bear woke me up, charging along past the tent.  I think he must have smelled the scent, or maybe it was the snoring that scared him off.  Either way, it was a glorious way to awaken before hiking back down the mountain.

All was right with the world, until I found that someone had broken into my truck at the trail head.  My wallet, my Blackberry... gone.  Whoever took them won't be able to use them long.. I deactivated my cards, had the phone shut off.. it's not like they even had the charger... and tomorrow I begin the long effort of replacing everything.. driver's license, getting the smashed window repaired...  all for about $70 in cash and a cell phone...

Why..?  Why do people think they can take from others without any thought to the pain it causes them?  I've always believed.. or at least wanted to believe... that people don't knowingly do something they feel is wrong.  People will always have an excuse...the corporation can afford it if I take this notepad home, that person already has more than they need, this loaf of bread will keep my child from starving...  Some excuses undoubtedly feel better than others.. but in the end, they are just excuses.  Do people really take advantage of others with no care as to how it might affect them...?

Maybe that is so after all.  We live in a world of ponzi schemes and corporate greed... should it be so surprising then that a couple of kids will smash a window in order to charge a tank or two of gas before the Visa is shut off?  But even so... how do they sleep at night?  Do they think it's OK... well, at least for them....?  It made me wonder how they would feel if someone smashed the window of their car and grabbed something from them...  Somehow, I can't imagine they'd be OK with that.....

As I picked the glass out of my carpet and seat tonight, it also made me wonder whether anyone feels I've done a smash and grab on them before... not literally, of course.. I've never stolen anything in my life.. although I do admit to walking off with a corporate pen or two.. But do we excuse ourselves for emotional smash and grabs..?  Do we treat relationships that way as well..? Have I...?

I hope not.. but I'm sure I'll be picking glass out of my seat for some time now.  Should give me plenty of time to think about it.. and if I have.. make amends...

It's always one thing to give something away.. I'm happy to do that, be it my time, my things, sometimes my money.. something offered as a gift makes you feel good.  But something taken or expected... whether it's two teenage kids driving along a lonely highway or one of your closest friends.. just leaves you feel violated.. no matter how much they needed it.

So next time I go backpacking, I'll have learned not to leave anything in the car.  It's sad to have to change after twenty years of leaving my car in the woods.  Makes one re-evaluate where we're all at.  But maybe I need to think about my relationships with others.. my life.. as well.. Is there anything in there I can't live without that someone could smash and grab.. something I would be happy to give but hate to have taken..?  Am I doing that to anyone else..?

I can't change others.. but I can change me... Time to pick up the pieces and move on...

So today I had planned to change the brakes on my truck.. they started making some noise last week.  I got the break pads, had all my tools laid out.. and found out that I had lost the key for the locking lug nuts on my wheels.. thereby making the job impossible to do.  Everything else was ready to go, except one, and it kept everything else from happening... plans made, plans ruined, all because of just one thing...

It's scary how often just one thing can change everything... one word spoken.. one word forgotten..  How many times has your life turned based on just one thing?

When I was in Alaska, I was involved in a relationship that fell apart over one phone call.  How many nights I laid awake wishing I could take it back... but I couldn't .. and never was able to fix it.  My plans to live in Alaska were definitely affected by that.. well.. that and all the fricking snow.. but I probably could have endured that.. all but just for one thing...

I've often read stories where I thought the plot was overly simplified because everything hinged on the hero discovering just one thing.. but then again, maybe that's more similar to life that I've realized before.

I read a great book called The Hinge Factor years ago.  It gave examples of how many times history has changed due to one small twist of fate or chance.  If the path of nations can be changed by something as simple as one bullet... can our lives be so different?  Can they be changed by one word?

I think they can.. if we let them. It all comes down to how we react.  If we give people a second chance.. I think we might be surprised how many times we can get past something that seems insurmountable.  On  the other hand, if we're ready to crucify a relationship, a friend, an idea, over just one word.. then maybe we're getting exactly what we deserve... Maybe I'm better off not being in Alaska...

So tomorrow I'll go to the Nissan dealer, I'll get my lug nut key, and I'll fix my breaks.  All I will have lost is an afternoon.. although the thought of losing time bothers me more and more the older I get.  Still... it's fixable.

Would be much worse to lose another dream over just one thing...