Why does it seem that we often fail to appreciate that which we have until we no longer have it?  Why are we always so focused on what's next.. what we need to do tomorrow.. that we fail to appreciate the day?

Too many times I find myself looking back.. wondering what might have been if I had made a different decision.. where I'd be now.. and then.. longing for something.. sometime.. someone.. that I used to have.. and lost.. and will probably never see again.  And I ask myself.. why didn't I spend more time.. more effort.. more of me.. appreciating it when I had it?  There's always a reason.. a job.. fixing something... the demands of a friend.. that I let get in the way.. assuming that thing.. time.. person... will always be around.  And then it's not... and then what?  Was that job.. that thing that needed fixing... that demand or distraction.. really worth it?  Probably not...

So often we hear the saying carpe diem.. seize the day.. grab the opportunity and move forward.. at least that how I've always understood it.  But.. what about seizing what we have now.. and just holding on.. appreciating it.. because when it's gone.. there is no carpe heri.. you can never seize yesterday.. it's gone.. and it's not coming back...

So take the time to appreciate the here.. the now.. and worry less about what's next.  For my father.. my brother.. those who have passed in and out of my life.. loves that I failed to appreciate when they were there.. thanks.. Heri historia

carpe heri...

I was riding my motorcycle on the highway a couple of weeks ago, into a headwind.. a really strong, gusty headwind.. and it kicked my ass.  I mean really kicked my ass.  I had to get off the highway for a while and take a break before I rode the rest of the way home.

And it wasn't just the physical action of the wind.. although that was what got it started.. but after a while, it was the mental exhaustion.. you just don't feel like riding into this same wind for another 30 miles...

Same kind of thing when I tried to take my boat across the Bay for the July 4th fireworks.  35 knots of wind coming under the Golden Gate.. and about 3/4 of the way to Alcatraz.. I just got tired of the wind and the waves bouncing the boat around.  I had others on board.. and if the engine had started acting up it would have been trouble.. so a large part of it was safety.. but there was also the element of .. I just got tired of it.

Alaska kind of did that too me.. the weather.. the job.. the relationship.. so I left.. there was nothing really there for me but the scenery anyway.. and in the end.. I was just tired.. done...

And now at my job, I often feel beset by forces no one else sees.. much like the wind.. they kick my ass.. and I get back up.. but after a while.. I gotta admit.. I just get tired of fighting.. and for what?  For the opportunity to work my ass off?  Why should I have to fight for that anyway?

Sometimes I think it would be easier to have a job.. or a hobby.. where you could see what you were up against.. something like cutting down trees.. or moving rocks.. here's the forest .. or the pile.. you know what it's going to take.. and there it is.  I think it's often the unknown that wears me out.. what will happen next?

But then again.. it's the unknown that fascinates me.. what is around the next turn in the road.. or past that island.. or what will happen if I make this call...?

So .. in the end.. I'll keep riding.. and sailing.. and working.. buffeted by those invisible winds.. including the winds of change.. and those forces that are beyond my control..

Who knows.. maybe I'm just making something out of nothing...

Why does it seems sometimes that we have to struggle to do the things we want to do...while ending up in a life of what comes easy for us.. but yet fails to satisfy?

Until I started writing, I never really considered myself a creative person.  Having gone to college for biology, technical writing came easily, but when I started creative writing.. it was truly a struggle at first.  I'd always wanted to be a more creative person, but didn't know if I had it in me.  Which then amazed me when I met people that were extremely good at the arts.. and yet either didn't realize it or didn't take advantage of it.  

I started thinking about this a few weeks back when I struck up a conversation with a woman at a diner who turned out to be a fellow writer. She was telling me about the character in the book she's working on, and as I listed to her explain his quirks and twists, I found myself thinking, damn.. that's creative.  I wished I had developed a character so interesting.  I'm sure I'm not the only one who feels this way.  Years ago I heard an interview with Steve Perry, then lead singer for Journey (OK.. I guess that was many years ago..) and he commented on times when he's driving down the road listening to the radio and thinks, "wow..I wish I had written that song."  So while even creative folks can appreciate other's creativity.. and we can't be inspired to do everything.. it just seems like some of us have to pull a little harder than others...

When I was in college a took a class call Photography for Field Biologists. There was one woman in the class.. I can't even recall her name anymore.. she had never done much photography before, even had to borrow her brother's old camera, but she took the best pictures in the class.  It drove me nuts.. me with my camera and all my lenses.  Everyone would follow her on field trips and try to take the same shots she did.. but they never looked the same.. she just had an eye for it.. pure inspiration.  And she never planned to pick up a camera again after the class was over.

So there's inspiration.. perspiration.. and sometimes.. desperation..  I just wonder where I fit in sometimes...

I knew a woman that got a degree in violin.. even went on to start her masters.. but dropped out because it felt that while she had mastered the mechanics of it.. she never felt inspired.  Sometimes.. I know the feeling..

But even if it's pure inspiration.. what then?  I've often asked many of my friends whether they think that if you could do that which excites you full time as a job... would it be fun all the time.. or still feel like a job?  Maybe the true excitement of writing.. or anything creative.. is felt when you have to sneak it in on the side... to squeeze time out of a busy corporate life to express yourself creatively.  Would I want to sing the same songs in a Broadway musical for ten years three or four times a week every week?  Probably not.. it'd probably drive me nuts.. So when I long to leave the corporate world and just write.. I wonder if I'd still feel that creative excitement.. or would it become a job.  Maybe I'm better off where I am right now...?  Or maybe that's just the desperation speaking..

Is it spark or sweat?  Love or labor?  Work or wonder..?  Time will tell.....

So I moved again this weekend.. to San Francisco. 

Ever since I moved to California I've been wanting to move here, so I should be excited.  But as I packed up the last of my things and cleaned my apartment in Sacramento this evening, it actually felt a little sad.   That's odd, considering that I never wanted to live in Sacramento in the first place... so why did I feel that way?

I recall when I left Anchorage... I was really ready to go.  The job hadn't been what I expected, my personal life was a mess.. I needed a change.  But when I went back the next summer for a friend's wedding, I missed it.  It felt more like home than Seattle did. 

So why do I keep moving?  What am I looking for?

I've always liked to think that I move on to new places to find something interesting, something exciting.  And in a way, I guess I always have.  But as I cleaned out yet another apartment tonight, I felt a little tired... and even found myself wondering how many more nights like this I have ahead of me.  Although I like the idea of living in new cities, hopefully someday new countries, it's the leaving that I seem to be having a rough time with lately...

It might be because I'm starting to feel like I'm running away from something.  Each time I've left a place - Michigan, Wyoming, Alaska, Seattle - there's been a bit of a personal disaster associated with it... and now I wonder if that's what I'm running away from.  A new place.. a new life.. and everything is better?  I'd like to think so, but maybe not...

I recall years ago when I lived in Michigan.  A friend of mine was thinking of moving to New Jersey where she had family and she was considering starting over.. and I told her, "if you're not happy with yourself here, you're not going to be happy with yourself there."  Amazingly, she took my advice, stayed, and now she's married with children. 

Funny how I can give out good advice.. do I need to follow it...?

I'd like to think that I'm a wanderer.. a writer.. an adventurer.. but maybe I need to sit my ass down somewhere for a while....  Am I a risk taker for moving on?  Or would the bigger risk be to settle down and see what happens....?

I guess the real question is.. am I running away from something.. or running to something...  I hope it's the latter.. but only time will tell.  In the meantime.. I'll leave another set of keys on the counter.. and get to know a new place....

So.. this was my last week..

On Monday and Tuesday.. I got royally hosed by management at my job..

On Wednesday.. trucked towed/parking ticket... then, when I got my truck back.. it got broken into and my work laptop stolen....

Thursday.. actually.. nothing major.. breather..

Friday.. and Saturday.. well.. mainly time wasted trying to reconstruct my work files.. and.. well.. other things I won't go into...

And then Sunday.. when I thought.. ahh.. it's a new week.. I'll get some work done at the office.. and make up for last week.. my truck gets broken into again and my bike stolen...

This all makes me wonder two things..

1) I hate to start getting cynical.. but are people really that messed up?  I mean.. in general.. I try to do the right thing by others.  I acknowledge that I've made some bad calls in the past..and I've hurt some feelings.. but to deliberately destroy/harm others.. what does that feel like?  I've often thought that people can't really do wrong knowingly..or at least most people can't.. that they have to rationalize it so somehow it's ok for them to do it.. but now I'm starting to wonder.. and I hate them for making me doubt humanity...

which leads to..

2) Do we attract such energy to ourselves?  I mean... such a run of bad luck .. wow.  I was talking with a friend last Thursday after my truck glass was fixed.. and she said, 'keep your energy positive.. otherwise you attract more bad energy.'  Do we?  I'd hate to think I was responsible for others doing bad things to me.. that would suck.. but why does bad luck seem to come in streaks?  I felt like I was trying to be positive.. maybe.. maybe not..

So .. today was Monday.. it went OK.. is my streak over...?  Can I breathe a sigh of relief and step out into the world again?  Can I trust others..?  Or have I been jaded.. about people.. life.. luck..

Stepping onto a plane tomorrow afternoon.. before.. that never worried me.. but after this past week....

So.. I have about 40 minutes to write a blog for the month of February...

It's been a busy month.. trying to get my day job kicked into high gear.. and having finished An American Crusade last month.. I've taken some time from writing.. both my novel and my blog...

But what have I been thinking about in the meantime?  Life.. relationships.. and life..

It's amazing how life depends on relationships.. and not just the romantic kinds.. in the world of business .. as in the world of dating.. it's amazing how one false move can have such ramifications.. sometimes a phone call made at the end of a rough day.. or an email that could have been worded better.. can make all the difference.. and you can never recover...

But why is that the case?  Are any of us in a position that we can't give another person an opportunity to prove themselves?  Are any of us really that perfect?

I guess.. I hope.. I see myself as always being willing to accept someone's sincere apology.. and move on.  Have there been times when I've turned away and not looked back.. probably.. unfortunately.. but I'd like think that .. on the whole.. if someone is willing to put forth an effort.. then I'm willing to accept it.. even though it sometimes doesn't succeed.. it truly is the effort that counts...

But I have a hard time relating to people that.. once they make up their minds.. whatever it may be based on.. there's really no changing it...

The world just doesn't seem like that.. look at nature, society, the universe.. it's a constantly changing thing.. if we don't change ourselves.. we'll never keep up..

And maybe those who don't change will fall behind in the long run.. and I'll look back from afar and see them.. But in the meantime.. it can  be rough being at the mercy.. emotionally and professionally.. of those who feel otherwise..

But I'm not going to change myself in an effort to adapt to their world.. I'd rather move forward.. not get stuck in that past..

And I was able to see that in only 10 minutes..

I've finally buckled down and made it happen.. I've outlined the last few chapters of An American Crusade.. all the way to the end.. and by the end of the week.. I'll finish writing the first draft...

It feels good.. in a way... and sad in a way..

Good.. for the obvious reasons.. it's been hanging over my head for so long.. it will be nice to have it complete.. to go back and rework it.. making it perfect... and hopefully.. someday soon.. seeing it published.  With the story being somewhat tied into the current political climate.. sooner would probably be better than later...

On the other had.. there's a sadness connected with finishing a first draft.  Maybe the obvious ones are the end of the creative experience.. editing doesn't seem as creative to me.. and, as I just said, the editing... it's not much fun...

But also.. my characters are people I've been living with in my head for over a year now.. more than that.. they're like children that I've watched grow and change in ways I never imagined.  It must be something like what it's like to watch a child leave home.. you teach and nourish them.. and then they leave.. and you can only hope for the best for them.  As soon as I type the last word.. they're done growing.. and that's a little sad.

Still.. I was listening to an interview with an author based in Davis, CA the other day, John Lescroart.  He made an interesting comment.  When someone called in and asked what the best thing was that he could do to get published.. John said, "finish your story."  I've seen so many authors start great novels.. and never finish the first draft.  Either they get distracted with another story, or they spend so much time making the early chapters perfect that they never get to the end.  I've always been a little mystified by that, since I want to see how it turns out.

But maybe it's something more.. maybe they have a hard time saying goodbye.. and want to stay with their story.. and never have it end...

Sometimes.. I can relate.. sometimes.. I wish life were the same..

Would that the title of this blog were from some great author.. maybe it is.. but I remember it from that classic of nerdy sci fi... Babylon 5.  In the last season, they played this quote from Ambassador Kosh at the beginning of every episode..

Now while it might seem trite to open the second year of my blogging, and my website, with a quote from what some may or may not consider good 1990's sci fi, I can't help the fact that this phrase keeps coming into my head with the new year.  And, perhaps, it might be applicable, both to me and those on that space station...

They had just come through plotting, alien attacks, revolutions.. and created out of all if it a new universal order...

Now while I can't claim to have fought any aliens this past year.. or at least, no one would believe me if I did.. I hope to start this new year off on a high note, and see whether I can't form a new personal order out of the chaos of the past one...  being laid off from two jobs, my life moving from one state to another, and enough personal issues to fill a small volume...

The downside is how much this distracted me from my writing.  The upside is... and I hope this is the case.. as with all things.. I hope I've learned something from it all.. and come out the other side a better person.  Because, I mean, if not.. then what the fuck was the point?

So this evening.. I sat down and wrote another chapter of An American Crusade.. and it was, if I might say so myself, pretty damn good. 

This year, I'm going to find that balance between my job and my life I lacked last year, the balance between working out and writing, I'm going to finish An American Crusade and get The First Coming published... and in the midst of all that.. I'm still going to get some sailing done....

And so it begins.. and I'm looking forward to it..

I find myself out of sorts with the writing world these days... I've only written one chapter in the last month.. I think it's a pretty good chapter.. but only one?  Not a great track record.

It's not that I don't have the ideas.. I so want to finish An American Crusade.. and I have so many more I want to write.  In fact, while I was out on my bike ride today, I came up with another idea for a new book.. I just need to start cranking them out...

But it feels like I've lost my writing mojo.. I just can't find the motivation.  I barely blog.. and haven't paid enough attention to my friend's blogs.. I'm not sure why I'm in this writing funk...

What to do?  Open to suggestions.. both good and bad.

I could come up with excuses.. the new job.. the holidays.. maybe because I don't belong to a writing group here in Sacramento.. but none of it's true.  It's something on the inside.. and I'm not sure what it is...

When Austin Powers lost his mojo.. someone stole it from him.. he just had to steal it back...

If only it were so easy..

I haven't been writing.. I haven't been blogging.. I canceled Myspace and just checked Facebook for the first time in a week...

However, I have been working out.. a lot.  In fact, I went for a 40 mile bike ride today.. and it was great.

So here's what I was thinking about while I rode (since I don't have an IPod, I think a lot when I'm on my bike, which is a good thing, I hope): Why does it seem like I'm able to focus on being a physical person or a mental person, but not both?

It seems that when I focus on going to the gym and eating right, that my writing goes right out the window.  And when I'm writing and spending time on the computer, I sit on my ass and don't work out.  Can't I do both?

It could be a matter of how many hours there are in a day, but I doubt it.  My new job is taking up some of my time.. but not that much.  And after all, it does seem that we can make time for those things that are important to us... and aren't both these things important?

That led me to thinking about people in general.  Now this next part is going to be completely stereotypical.. I know.. and a huge generalization.. but still: Isn't it true that a lot of people that are in great physical shape, i.e. the "beautiful people", are not exactly known for their mental prowess?  On the other hand, how many intellectuals end up on the cover of GQ? 

Maybe we can just focus on one thing at a time.  Maybe our bodies have evolved to either hunt and gather, or be scribes...

Who knows.  The more physically active I am, the less I eat.  Maybe my brain is starving and can't be creative...

There is, however, one thing I'm completely sure of.  After riding 40 miles today.. my ass hurts sitting on this wooden chair..   But that's a good thing.. right..?