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Old Habits Die Hard

2012-01-02T01:14:57Z

A new blog for a new year. It's been months since I've written.. months since I've blogged. Things happen.. your world turns upside down.. and good habits you've gotten into vanish in favor of those oldest of habits.. sloth, apathy, distraction.. etc...

With everything that happened in my life last spring I lost some.. really most.. of my focus on what really is important in life. I regained some of those things, and in many ways had a great summer of sailing and enjoying time with friends. But somehow in all of this, I lost sight of a few of the things that make me the most happy.. my creativity and my drive to care for myself. I put on some weight, and haven't written a word in nearly ten months now.

As I think about the new year, I realize that I need to refocus myself again. Not that sitting around on my ass hasn't been fun.. I can certainly understand the appeal.. but really.. what does it accomplish? As I look back on the year, I watched a lot of good movies.. I drank some great bottles of wine.. but what do I have to show for it.. other than DVD containers and empty bottles..? Well .. that and another 20 pounds....

But it also makes me think about habits.. and human nature. Why is it that those habits which make us feel better about ourselves and become better people - reading and continuing education, physical exercise, being creative, eating well, getting in touch with nature and spirituality - are often so difficult to maintain? If I miss a couple of nights of exercise.. or even worse a week.. it takes three times as long to catch up. Yet those habits that tend to be bad for us - eating junk food, drinking, watching a movie instead of reading a book, sitting on the couch - those habits we can fall back into in hours or days. Why is the human animal so easily adaptable to bad habits and requires so much work for good ones? And what does that say about our future.. as a people?

I'm not sure..

But I suppose in the end, we can only change it one good habit.. one person.. at a time.

So.. here's a first blog for the year. Tonight I'll eat a salad, and I'll go to the gym.

And tomorrow.. well.. I hope I can keep it going. Good luck to us all for another year...

Who knows what might be next...

2011-05-31T05:27:14Z

I've written several times about how much I enjoy watching my characters grow in ways that I don't anticipate. As I've said before, for better or for worse, I don't outline my entire novel before I get started. Sure, I know where it starts and where it ends, and I generally have some idea what's going to happen in the middle in an effort to achieve a good arc for my story. But what the characters themselves will actually do along the way.. the different directions in which they'll grow.. well, to be honest, sometimes I'm just as surprised as anyone by what might happen. And frankly, I like it that way. Having not had any children, it's just about the closest thing I can imagine to raising one.. other than maybe teaching my dog how to talk.. But I digress...

Truly, watching my characters on their journey of discovery is amazing. Why, then, do I find myself often so resistent to just going with the flow? Why do I persist down a certain life course when I'm not happy.. despite anything anyone might tell me?

So while I might encourage my characters to go with the flow.. I don't unless I'm forced to.. and then, to my surprise, I find myself in a better place than I was before.

By my own admittance, I got married way too quickly after college and found myself in a situation that felt out of control. Again, I only blame myself for letting it get that way, locked into a life course I really didn't want. And when it ended, I was lost... but on the flip side, after slogging through the mire, I found myself in a much better place.. emotionally and spiritually.. than I'd ever been. Why didn't I take charge of that a long time ago?

When i got laid off from my job in Seattle, a certain junebug encouraged me to step back and appreciate what I had.. my boat.. my life.. my contact with nature. But I let my move to California distract me and I ignored much of that advice. And things in California have not been as smooth as I would have liked.. I've struggled a lot. To the point that I found myself getting caught up.. no, rather distracted by.. a lifestyle that really wasn't mine. And, again, despite the advice of dear friends, I pursued career goals to match that style rather than my life.

So when things turned upside down recently.. I was once again lost. But, as with all the other downturns in my life... despite the fact that it sucks pretty bad when you're wallowing in the pit of moral and emotional goo.. I find myself in a better place on the other side. A step back is a good place from which to review your life.. and I find myself refocused on some of the things I should have two years ago... my boat.. my life.. my contact with nature.. so thanks, junebug.

I'm fortunate.. and quite happy.. to say that each time I've been kicked in the ass.. something better was always waiting on the other side. I hope it always stays that way..

So next time life points you in a new direction... maybe you should let it. You never know where your characters might lead you....

Life, Death, and Judgement

2011-04-28T04:11:00Z

After this past year ended so well, I found myself on the receiving end of some unexpected twists of fate after the new year began. And the more I pondered these twists in my life, the more i came to appreciate how judgement.. or perhaps more accurately judging others without our understanding them... affects all our lives.

So much of what causes pain in this world.. from wars and political actions, to social discrepancies and intolerance, to relationships and friendships... seem to be caused by people leaping to conclusions.. or perhaps gradually drifting to conclusions.. without taking the time to understand the other person. I'm guilty of this as well I'm sure; I don't think it's ever possible to be 100 percent objective. But on the flip side, any relationship.. whether between governments or people.. never fails because of being 100 percent the fault of either side. I refuse to believe anyone is just dead wrong all the time.. and it makes me wonder how much hardship could be avoid if, to quote a much overused phrase, we all "just get along."

So what are the events of which I speak? The year started with an economic impact to my life, one which, despite my greatest efforts, I was mystified to find a solution to. I've never before in my life been in such a situation of utter frustration and confusion. People and things sometimes make no sense to me. Again, I would never say it was 100 percent anyone's fault; we all have to accept responsibility. But what mystified me the most was the unwillingness of others to communicate and to try. I'm unsure what motivates people to act in such a way. I'm sure in their minds their position made perfect sense; I'd hate to attribute sheer cruelty to anyone. But it's shocking how people can act, or refuse to act, without considering the ramifications of their actions on others. Judgements without communication.. that lead to other's suffering.. we all need to think of others before we act.. and ask ourselves whether they're really trying to help before we jump to conclusions. Lesson learned.. always be willing to listen to the other side of the story before making a judgement. I hope someday I get asked mine....

After this, the partner of a sibling died, a sibling that I've reached out to over and over and yet has remained distant for a long time. Especially when we're down, I can't imagine anything more important than family. And yet, people let judgement forestall any attempts for reconciliation, even as I reached out during a time like this. And again, it mystifies me, as I've never understood what the issue between us is. Perhaps I'm obtuse, in fact, it's very likely. But all the more reason why we should give each other a chance to speak.. once, twice.. over and over. There might never be reconciliation, but at least there might be understanding. Does it ever hurt to listen? I think not... But listening takes two.. not only the person to allow another to speak.. but for the other party to be willing to speak. As much as I study human drama as part of my writing.. it seems the less I understand it. Nonetheless, there's a lesson learned.. never let a judgement sit forever.. people change, things change, there's never a reason not to reach out to friends and family.. or anyone.. over and over and over again.

And then my mother died. She'd had a long struggle.. it was expected. When I'd last seen her in the fall, she no longer recognized me.. and I'd been dealing with that for months. I'm sure it'll take time to resolve itself within me; my father's death took years. But, while it wasn't unexpected, the actions of my siblings were yet another kick in the ass. Due to years of religious differences, I found myself after the service sitting alone at a bar on my old college campus, drinking a beer and sharing my memories with myself. Do I begrudge them their actions? No, I sincerely believe that they're doing what they feel is best. But again, judgement steps in to cause more rifts, and without counterbalance or understanding. Lesson learned.. accept others for what they are. Others are never going to be what we expect of them.. they're going to be themselves. Is that so wrong?

And as I step away from this and continue on my journey, the thing that mystifies me the most is that those who judge the harshest.. are the ones who complain the most about being judged. The religious minority, the societal edge, the fellow employee that feels the economic pinch... And beyond being mystified by the harshness of their judgement is their unwillingness to communicate, to talk, to sit down and find a solution.

I think it's because a solution requires us all to admit that we're 50 percent to blame.. and how many of us want to sit down and admit that? it also requires us to compromise our positions 50 percent.. or more.. and too many people feel too comfortable with their judgements to ever admit that they might have to change them. Because then.. well.. they'd have to admit they might be 50 percent wrong..

I've been reading a great book about mistakes and how society has come to associate mistakes with both evil and being a loser. When it's exactly the opposite.. If we as a society had never admitted we'd made mistakes.. we'd still be sitting comfortably in our fachwerk houses in Europe worried that if we went to sea we'd sail off the edge of the world. Science.. and progress.. is built on admitting that they way we used to do something was wrong.. that there's always a better way. Mistakes are progress my friend.. feel free to stand up and admit that you've made one.

So after pondering this for the last few months, it's time to get my world back on track. The only real risk of making a mistake is not learning anything from it. That would truly be a tragedy. And while the lessons I've learned are only 50 percent under my control.. I certainly hope they help me treat everyone 100 percent better in the future...

Evolution

2011-01-09T20:49:00Z

Now that I'm working on REM again, I've been enjoying the creativity of watching my characters evolve. As I mentioned before in my blogs, for better or for worse, I never outline my books before I write them. While this may constitute poor writing practice, I love the freedom of creative expression it gives me, watching how from day to day my story evolves and winds its way toward the conclusion of the arc along a path that I've never seen when I start down the road.

So too with my characters. Many times a character I've thrown in as a placeholder or a sometimes even a feature of the landscape steps forward to play a major role in the story, and I never saw it coming. Recently in REM a simple dishwasher has become a guide along the protagonist's path.. who knew? I certainly didn't.

As I thought more about it this morning, it made me wonder if this lack of an outline affects my life as well. Most of the time it seems we outline our lives.. we purchase, we plan, we know exactly where our future is going. I did too.. until it took an unexpected turn. For a time I thought it had destroyed my path. But instead, it actually revealed it. Now, I've let planning take more of a backstage in my life.. allowing myself to evolve in ways I never saw coming, just like my characters. Every time I think something bad has occurred, it's actually become a good thing, a new opportunity, a chance to evolve. I hope that trend continues.

Many people need to plan, they seek the comfort of it, and for them, I think that's great. We should all do what we feel comfortable with.

But for me.. I think I'm going to keep writing.. going to keep watching.. going to keep evolving. Makes me wonder what other characters I'll meet along the way....

Life, the New Year, and Everything

2011-01-05T07:57:00Z

Welcome all to the new year..

I found the last one a bit draining.. creatively, that is. I did publish The First Coming, and completed a second draft of An American Crusade, but I spent the year editing, not creating, and I found.. I missed it.

Although editing is a necessary evil.. it doesn't ever meet the same creative need that writing a first draft does.. at least not for me.  When I'm writing, the characters are living with me.. inside me.. to the point where I miss them when I finish a book. And over the past year, I missed creating someone new.

But the new year is off to a good start. I've started working on REM again, and it's been a long time since I've touched it. I found that in the interim I lost a chapter somewhere in shuffling electronic files, but nonetheless I'm moving forward. And I have to say.. it feels amazing to be writing a first draft again.. to share my life with my characters.

I find that I often ask people what they do for a creative outlet.. and I get a variety of answers. Some few also write, many play an instrument, some paint. But it's surprising how many don't really have one they can lay their fingers on. How many of us are going through life... through the year... and never expressing ourselves? Are we too busy? Too distracted? Because I can't believe that every one of us doesn't have something creative to express... and I find that, for myself, I feel better when I do. Much, much better.   This last month has been really good for me. Hey, I'm even blogging again..!

So my wish for you all for the new year..? Express yourselves creatively.. Do something.. take some time. It will help you better understand yourself.. others.. the world.. life.. everything. Just pick something you love.. and do it.

Trust me.. it's worth the time...

Good luck!

What do I want to be?

2010-11-09T06:12:00Z

I just got back from a few days in Belize.. thought that I would get away and get some vacation before starting my new job today. My goal.. scuba.. sun.. drinking.. In all three of these things I succeeded…

But I ended up with more than I bargained for. Not that I should have been surprised. Whenever I travel.. especially whenever I travel internationally.. for better or for worse,. I tend to become very introspective.. especially the more that I spend time getting to know people.

When I first started traveling after my divorce, I spent almost all my time alone. I rented a car, drove from place to place, and then got on a plane and went home. But lately I’ve been traveling by bus or train.. staying places where there are large groups of people.. and taking the time to meet people. In India.. Egypt.. Turkey.. it’s been a great experience.. meeting both locals and fellow travelers.

This time.. I met a couple on their honeymoon.. just starting off their life.. setting their priorities. I met a man from the US who started a restaurant along the beach.. I met a couple that had come together from two different countries.. the US and Columbia.. to build a life together. And I started to ask myself.. what should I be doing with my life?

Most people seem to get this wanderlust out of their system early on.. like this lady I met from Vancouver that had traveled Asia and Africa and had now settled in Belize with her eight year old daughter. But.. for better or for worse.. I did my decade of settling down right out of college.. and now what? Maybe it’s a good thing.. maybe I’m older and wiser when I begin my journey.. then again.. maybe I’ll never start..

I think I’ve done a lot in my life.. I’ve traveled.. I’ve written two novels.. I have a relatively successful career.. but I find myself wanting more.. not more stuff.. I’m actually going in the other direction on that.. but more .. experience..

What do I want to be?

I want to be creative.. I want to write.. I want to experience something more than the corporate world.. I want to give back.. I want to help.. I want to be international.. I want to live.. and while I don’t want to live in the five star world.. I don’t want to live out of a backpack either.. I want to be comfortable. Above all.. I really do want to share it with someone else…

So how do I start? Can I? I don’t think It’s too late.. but what do I give up to get there? My job.. my stuff.. my comfort zone.. ? And will I succeed? And what's the backup plan if it doesn't? Should there be one? Maybe not.. maybe that's part of the adventure...

Thoreau said that he didn’t want to look back on life and find that he had not lived.. I don’t either.. like the young couple I met.. I need to set my priorities.. and then go after them.. I need to bridge different worlds like the other couple.. but maybe I need to pick a place to call home at some point too.. like the man from the US... even if.. or maybe especially if.. it's an international place.

I know what I want to be.. I’m just not sure the path to get there.. and that makes me afraid to take the first step. But like any of my travels.. once I’m out the door.. it all seems to work out. Maybe I just need to open the door.. to go.. and see what happens.

And maybe.. just maybe.. I’ll meet someone along the way…

The First Coming - November 30th Official Release Date

2010-10-18T00:23:00Z

Watch for it.

How Free is Free Will?

2010-10-18T00:00:00Z

I've been thinking about the topic of free will for the last couple of weeks.

It first came to my mind while watching a movie.. a movie which I'd rather not mention for fear of embarrassment.. not that it's a bad movie.. just doesn't add any bonus points to me in the "Having Refined Taste" column, like many of my favorite movies.. but I digress.   Nonetheless, it brought up the topic of free will ... in this instance in the religious sense. But the political campaign commercials have also brought it up that arena as well. What really is free will?

Having been raised in a very religious household.. I often pondered this. The message was always.. God gave us free will to decide whether to serve him or not. Great.. but how free is that? The choices being.. serve and be blessed.. or choose not to.. which you could.. and die. Is that really free?  Shouldn't free will really allow for you to choose the "no" answer.. and still not suffer punishment? I guess the thought was not that you'd be punished.. you just wouldn't be blessed and helped.. but in some ways.. that seems like a bit of a technicality...

Moving forward in my life to politics.. I'm living in Seattle. I really liked Seattle.. but I have to admit that it was, as I called it, a region of "liberal fascism." How so? Well, they prided themselves on being liberal.. which is great.. but if you weren't the same kind of liberal as they were.. you weren't accepted. How liberal is that really? If you're really liberal.. or religious and serving a God of love.. shouldn't you accept people on their terms.. not your own? Seems a bit hypocritical.. on the surface at least..

So now we face the elections in California.. and all the ballots that go with it. Me.. I'm more of a moderate.. I tend to vote for democratic candidates.. but differ with the party in large ways when in comes to things like capital punishment and welfare, for instance. Still there are many issues on the ballots these days.. gay marriage.. legalizing marijuana..   Am I going to do these things? Probably not.. (re: gay marriage.. I'm straight.. just throwing that out there).. but should I try and legislate someone else's free will? If it doesn't affect my life.. no.. I shouldn't.. and why should anyone else?

What is living in a free country if we can't exercise free will? How free is it?

Do I have the answers.. course not.. If I did.. I'd be running the place. And I see that when my actions affect others.. then yes.. someone should step in and say no. But insofar as your actions affect only you.. whether it's your sex habits.. or your drug habits.. or even if you want to wear a helmet when you ride your motorcycle.. should government.. or God for all that matter.. tell you what to do? So long as you're willing to step up and accept the consequences of your actions.. and I mean really accept them, not suing the tobacco companies 20 years later because you chose to smoke.. then no.. I think that is truly free will..

Free will isn't freedom to do whatever the hell you want to whoever you want.... like some teenage kid.. but freedom to make a decision and live with the results.. and as long as I'm willing to do that.. who can condemn me?

And neither should I condemn others.. Unlike others close to me.. I honestly think I've learned to not only let go of my irritation for others' choices in the past that impacted me.. but I've also learned to respect their right to feel that way. More power to them.. I hope their lives go well.. truly..

To all of us.. have a go at it.. choose freely.. and more power to you.. but don't blame me if you don't like how it turns out..

Midnight Rider

2010-09-19T23:09:00Z

So here I am, riding down a deserted road at near midnight, a truck battery in a pack on my back..

But I digress. The story really starts here...

A couple of weeks ago I was driving back to San Francisco from Sacramento. I had taken a bike ride after work, so by the time I needed to stop for gas, it was dark, about 10 in the evening. I pulled into a gas station on what must have been my truck battery's last legs. By the time I was done filling up, the battery was so dead it wouldn't even accept a charge from the one person willing to help me.

So after pushing my truck off to the side, not one person in the parking lot would give me a ride the six miles to a Walmart for a new battery. Luckily I had my bike in the back of my truck.. and a knapsack. So an hour and half later, at midnight... after the aforementioned ride.. I was back on the road.

But what's up with people not helping people anymore?

A few years back, I was traveling through Colorado, and out in the middle of nowhere I stopped to get something to drink. I happened to notice that the car next to me was leaking transmission fluid on the ground. The owners, two young women driving from somewhere back East to Portland, had just bought it and didn't realize their transmission was nearly empty. I happily sent them on their way with a full transmission and two quarts to spare. I hope they made it.

I'm not trying to suggest I'm anything special; I certainly hope I'm not. But looking back on a lifetime of changing oil and flat tires, helping people move, installing ceramic tile.. the list goes on.. I can't relate to people not stepping up to help their fellowman.. fellow person.. anymore.

At the same gas station Friday night, people are waiting in line for gas.. I waited. As I'm pumping, two young women pull in through the exit into an empty slot, displacing a person waiting that was about to pull up. When I mentioned it, I got asked, "What do you care?" and shown the finger.

Next time you can.. make a difference.. I certainly hope we're not all headed in that direction... are we?

Unthinkable

2010-08-23T04:35:00Z

I watched a really interesting movie last week, called Unthinkable. Very original, very well done. It involved a man captured for setting atomic bombs in major US cities for what he believed to be the cause of Islam.

Politics aside, you can feel what you will about how people fight for their causes. While violence is never an answer, for either side, we all certainly have room to grow in the Middle East.

Nonetheless, the title of the movie came not from his actions, but from how the US government agents reacted to him.

There was a female character, played by Carrie Ann Moss, who started out very noble, insisting that the terrorist not be tortured or abused. But toward the end of the movie, as the clock on the bombs ticked away to zero, she was willing to let them to anything to that man.. and his wife.. and his children... to get the information they needed. She willingly abandoned all she stood for.. when push came to shove.

Do we? Do I? It made me wonder what I'd do in a situation like that. Or.. perhaps with more relevance.. what I do in situations much less important than that. Are there times when I sacrifice my standards for much less important things than life or death?

I've heard the golden rule applied both ways... do unto others as you would like them to do unto you can be a excellent principle to live by. But some also feel that we should do unto others before they do to us... not just in war.. but in relationships as well. How many times have I done unto someone before they've done unto me.. or.. worse yet.. when they might never have...?

If you get a chance to watch the movie.. as I said, regardless of your politics.. it's worth it. It's one of those stories I wish I had written. And then, afterward, step back and ask yourself at what point would you do unto someone something you'd never want done to you.. something.. well.. unthinkable. At what point is it justified..? Ever?

I'm still trying to figure it out...

Carpe heri

2010-07-17T23:33:00Z

Why does it seem that we often fail to appreciate that which we have until we no longer have it? Why are we always so focused on what's next.. what we need to do tomorrow.. that we fail to appreciate the day?

Too many times I find myself looking back.. wondering what might have been if I had made a different decision.. where I'd be now.. and then.. longing for something.. sometime.. someone.. that I used to have.. and lost.. and will probably never see again. And I ask myself.. why didn't I spend more time.. more effort.. more of me.. appreciating it when I had it? There's always a reason.. a job.. fixing something... the demands of a friend.. that I let get in the way.. assuming that thing.. time.. person... will always be around. And then it's not... and then what? Was that job.. that thing that needed fixing... that demand or distraction.. really worth it? Probably not...

So often we hear the saying carpe diem.. seize the day.. grab the opportunity and move forward.. at least that how I've always understood it. But.. what about seizing what we have now.. and just holding on.. appreciating it.. because when it's gone.. there is no carpe heri.. you can never seize yesterday.. it's gone.. and it's not coming back...

So take the time to appreciate the here.. the now.. and worry less about what's next. For my father.. my brother.. those who have passed in and out of my life.. loves that I failed to appreciate when they were there.. thanks.. Heri historia

carpe heri...

Making Something Out of Nothing

2010-07-11T21:13:00Z

I was riding my motorcycle on the highway a couple of weeks ago, into a headwind.. a really strong, gusty headwind.. and it kicked my ass. I mean really kicked my ass. I had to get off the highway for a while and take a break before I rode the rest of the way home.

And it wasn't just the physical action of the wind.. although that was what got it started.. but after a while, it was the mental exhaustion.. you just don't feel like riding into this same wind for another 30 miles...

Same kind of thing when I tried to take my boat across the Bay for the July 4th fireworks. 35 knots of wind coming under the Golden Gate.. and about 3/4 of the way to Alcatraz.. I just got tired of the wind and the waves bouncing the boat around. I had others on board.. and if the engine had started acting up it would have been trouble.. so a large part of it was safety.. but there was also the element of .. I just got tired of it.

Alaska kind of did that too me.. the weather.. the job.. the relationship.. so I left.. there was nothing really there for me but the scenery anyway.. and in the end.. I was just tired.. done...

And now at my job, I often feel beset by forces no one else sees.. much like the wind.. they kick my ass.. and I get back up.. but after a while.. I gotta admit.. I just get tired of fighting.. and for what? For the opportunity to work my ass off? Why should I have to fight for that anyway?

Sometimes I think it would be easier to have a job.. or a hobby.. where you could see what you were up against.. something like cutting down trees.. or moving rocks.. here's the forest .. or the pile.. you know what it's going to take.. and there it is. I think it's often the unknown that wears me out.. what will happen next?

But then again.. it's the unknown that fascinates me.. what is around the next turn in the road.. or past that island.. or what will happen if I make this call...?

So .. in the end.. I'll keep riding.. and sailing.. and working.. buffeted by those invisible winds.. including the winds of change.. and those forces that are beyond my control..

Who knows.. maybe I'm just making something out of nothing...

Inspiration, Persperation.. and Desperation

2010-06-19T21:51:00Z

Why does it seems sometimes that we have to struggle to do the things we want to do...while ending up in a life of what comes easy for us.. but yet fails to satisfy?

Until I started writing, I never really considered myself a creative person. Having gone to college for biology, technical writing came easily, but when I started creative writing.. it was truly a struggle at first. I'd always wanted to be a more creative person, but didn't know if I had it in me. Which then amazed me when I met people that were extremely good at the arts.. and yet either didn't realize it or didn't take advantage of it.

I started thinking about this a few weeks back when I struck up a conversation with a woman at a diner who turned out to be a fellow writer. She was telling me about the character in the book she's working on, and as I listed to her explain his quirks and twists, I found myself thinking, damn.. that's creative. I wished I had developed a character so interesting. I'm sure I'm not the only one who feels this way. Years ago I heard an interview with Steve Perry, then lead singer for Journey (OK.. I guess that was many years ago..) and he commented on times when he's driving down the road listening to the radio and thinks, "wow..I wish I had written that song." So while even creative folks can appreciate other's creativity.. and we can't be inspired to do everything.. it just seems like some of us have to pull a little harder than others...

When I was in college a took a class call Photography for Field Biologists. There was one woman in the class.. I can't even recall her name anymore.. she had never done much photography before, even had to borrow her brother's old camera, but she took the best pictures in the class. It drove me nuts.. me with my camera and all my lenses. Everyone would follow her on field trips and try to take the same shots she did.. but they never looked the same.. she just had an eye for it.. pure inspiration. And she never planned to pick up a camera again after the class was over.

So there's inspiration.. perspiration.. and sometimes.. desperation.. I just wonder where I fit in sometimes...

I knew a woman that got a degree in violin.. even went on to start her masters.. but dropped out because it felt that while she had mastered the mechanics of it.. she never felt inspired. Sometimes.. I know the feeling..

But even if it's pure inspiration.. what then? I've often asked many of my friends whether they think that if you could do that which excites you full time as a job... would it be fun all the time.. or still feel like a job? Maybe the true excitement of writing.. or anything creative.. is felt when you have to sneak it in on the side... to squeeze time out of a busy corporate life to express yourself creatively. Would I want to sing the same songs in a Broadway musical for ten years three or four times a week every week? Probably not.. it'd probably drive me nuts.. So when I long to leave the corporate world and just write.. I wonder if I'd still feel that creative excitement.. or would it become a job. Maybe I'm better off where I am right now...? Or maybe that's just the desperation speaking..

Is it spark or sweat? Love or labor? Work or wonder..? Time will tell.....

Staying one step ahead of my life...

2010-04-27T06:31:00Z

So I moved again this weekend.. to San Francisco.

Ever since I moved to California I've been wanting to move here, so I should be excited. But as I packed up the last of my things and cleaned my apartment in Sacramento this evening, it actually felt a little sad. That's odd, considering that I never wanted to live in Sacramento in the first place... so why did I feel that way?

I recall when I left Anchorage... I was really ready to go. The job hadn't been what I expected, my personal life was a mess.. I needed a change. But when I went back the next summer for a friend's wedding, I missed it. It felt more like home than Seattle did.

So why do I keep moving? What am I looking for?

I've always liked to think that I move on to new places to find something interesting, something exciting. And in a way, I guess I always have. But as I cleaned out yet another apartment tonight, I felt a little tired... and even found myself wondering how many more nights like this I have ahead of me. Although I like the idea of living in new cities, hopefully someday new countries, it's the leaving that I seem to be having a rough time with lately...

It might be because I'm starting to feel like I'm running away from something. Each time I've left a place - Michigan, Wyoming, Alaska, Seattle - there's been a bit of a personal disaster associated with it... and now I wonder if that's what I'm running away from. A new place.. a new life.. and everything is better? I'd like to think so, but maybe not...

I recall years ago when I lived in Michigan. A friend of mine was thinking of moving to New Jersey where she had family and she was considering starting over.. and I told her, "if you're not happy with yourself here, you're not going to be happy with yourself there." Amazingly, she took my advice, stayed, and now she's married with children.

Funny how I can give out good advice.. do I need to follow it...?

I'd like to think that I'm a wanderer.. a writer.. an adventurer.. but maybe I need to sit my ass down somewhere for a while.... Am I a risk taker for moving on? Or would the bigger risk be to settle down and see what happens....?

I guess the real question is.. am I running away from something.. or running to something... I hope it's the latter.. but only time will tell. In the meantime.. I'll leave another set of keys on the counter.. and get to know a new place....

Bad Juju...

2010-04-20T06:25:00Z

So.. this was my last week..

On Monday and Tuesday.. I got royally hosed by management at my job..

On Wednesday.. trucked towed/parking ticket... then, when I got my truck back.. it got broken into and my work laptop stolen....

Thursday.. actually.. nothing major.. breather..

Friday.. and Saturday.. well.. mainly time wasted trying to reconstruct my work files.. and.. well.. other things I won't go into...

And then Sunday.. when I thought.. ahh.. it's a new week.. I'll get some work done at the office.. and make up for last week.. my truck gets broken into again and my bike stolen...

This all makes me wonder two things..

1) I hate to start getting cynical.. but are people really that messed up? I mean.. in general.. I try to do the right thing by others. I acknowledge that I've made some bad calls in the past..and I've hurt some feelings.. but to deliberately destroy/harm others.. what does that feel like? I've often thought that people can't really do wrong knowingly..or at least most people can't.. that they have to rationalize it so somehow it's ok for them to do it.. but now I'm starting to wonder.. and I hate them for making me doubt humanity...

which leads to..

2) Do we attract such energy to ourselves? I mean... such a run of bad luck .. wow. I was talking with a friend last Thursday after my truck glass was fixed.. and she said, 'keep your energy positive.. otherwise you attract more bad energy.' Do we? I'd hate to think I was responsible for others doing bad things to me.. that would suck.. but why does bad luck seem to come in streaks? I felt like I was trying to be positive.. maybe.. maybe not..

So .. today was Monday.. it went OK.. is my streak over...? Can I breathe a sigh of relief and step out into the world again? Can I trust others..? Or have I been jaded.. about people.. life.. luck..

Stepping onto a plane tomorrow afternoon.. before.. that never worried me.. but after this past week....

Life.. relationships.. and everything..

2010-03-01T07:13:00Z

So.. I have about 40 minutes to write a blog for the month of February...

It's been a busy month.. trying to get my day job kicked into high gear.. and having finished An American Crusade last month.. I've taken some time from writing.. both my novel and my blog...

But what have I been thinking about in the meantime? Life.. relationships.. and life..

It's amazing how life depends on relationships.. and not just the romantic kinds.. in the world of business .. as in the world of dating.. it's amazing how one false move can have such ramifications.. sometimes a phone call made at the end of a rough day.. or an email that could have been worded better.. can make all the difference.. and you can never recover...

But why is that the case? Are any of us in a position that we can't give another person an opportunity to prove themselves? Are any of us really that perfect?

I guess.. I hope.. I see myself as always being willing to accept someone's sincere apology.. and move on. Have there been times when I've turned away and not looked back.. probably.. unfortunately.. but I'd like think that .. on the whole.. if someone is willing to put forth an effort.. then I'm willing to accept it.. even though it sometimes doesn't succeed.. it truly is the effort that counts...

But I have a hard time relating to people that.. once they make up their minds.. whatever it may be based on.. there's really no changing it...

The world just doesn't seem like that.. look at nature, society, the universe.. it's a constantly changing thing.. if we don't change ourselves.. we'll never keep up..

And maybe those who don't change will fall behind in the long run.. and I'll look back from afar and see them.. But in the meantime.. it can be rough being at the mercy.. emotionally and professionally.. of those who feel otherwise..

But I'm not going to change myself in an effort to adapt to their world.. I'd rather move forward.. not get stuck in that past..

And I was able to see that in only 10 minutes..

And So it Ends...

2010-01-19T08:14:00Z

I've finally buckled down and made it happen.. I've outlined the last few chapters of An American Crusade.. all the way to the end.. and by the end of the week.. I'll finish writing the first draft...

It feels good.. in a way... and sad in a way..

Good.. for the obvious reasons.. it's been hanging over my head for so long.. it will be nice to have it complete.. to go back and rework it.. making it perfect... and hopefully.. someday soon.. seeing it published. With the story being somewhat tied into the current political climate.. sooner would probably be better than later...

On the other had.. there's a sadness connected with finishing a first draft. Maybe the obvious ones are the end of the creative experience.. editing doesn't seem as creative to me.. and, as I just said, the editing... it's not much fun...

But also.. my characters are people I've been living with in my head for over a year now.. more than that.. they're like children that I've watched grow and change in ways I never imagined. It must be something like what it's like to watch a child leave home.. you teach and nourish them.. and then they leave.. and you can only hope for the best for them. As soon as I type the last word.. they're done growing.. and that's a little sad.

Still.. I was listening to an interview with an author based in Davis, CA the other day, John Lescroart. He made an interesting comment. When someone called in and asked what the best thing was that he could do to get published.. John said, "finish your story." I've seen so many authors start great novels.. and never finish the first draft. Either they get distracted with another story, or they spend so much time making the early chapters perfect that they never get to the end. I've always been a little mystified by that, since I want to see how it turns out.

But maybe it's something more.. maybe they have a hard time saying goodbye.. and want to stay with their story.. and never have it end...

Sometimes.. I can relate.. sometimes.. I wish life were the same..

And So It Begins...

2010-01-04T08:04:00Z

Would that the title of this blog were from some great author.. maybe it is.. but I remember it from that classic of nerdy sci fi... Babylon 5. In the last season, they played this quote from Ambassador Kosh at the beginning of every episode..

Now while it might seem trite to open the second year of my blogging, and my website, with a quote from what some may or may not consider good 1990's sci fi, I can't help the fact that this phrase keeps coming into my head with the new year. And, perhaps, it might be applicable, both to me and those on that space station...

They had just come through plotting, alien attacks, revolutions.. and created out of all if it a new universal order...

Now while I can't claim to have fought any aliens this past year.. or at least, no one would believe me if I did.. I hope to start this new year off on a high note, and see whether I can't form a new personal order out of the chaos of the past one... being laid off from two jobs, my life moving from one state to another, and enough personal issues to fill a small volume...

The downside is how much this distracted me from my writing. The upside is... and I hope this is the case.. as with all things.. I hope I've learned something from it all.. and come out the other side a better person. Because, I mean, if not.. then what the fuck was the point?

So this evening.. I sat down and wrote another chapter of An American Crusade.. and it was, if I might say so myself, pretty damn good.

This year, I'm going to find that balance between my job and my life I lacked last year, the balance between working out and writing, I'm going to finish An American Crusade and get The First Coming published... and in the midst of all that.. I'm still going to get some sailing done....

And so it begins.. and I'm looking forward to it..

What to do.. what to do...

2009-11-23T05:51:00Z

I find myself out of sorts with the writing world these days... I've only written one chapter in the last month.. I think it's a pretty good chapter.. but only one? Not a great track record.

It's not that I don't have the ideas.. I so want to finish An American Crusade.. and I have so many more I want to write. In fact, while I was out on my bike ride today, I came up with another idea for a new book.. I just need to start cranking them out...

But it feels like I've lost my writing mojo.. I just can't find the motivation. I barely blog.. and haven't paid enough attention to my friend's blogs.. I'm not sure why I'm in this writing funk...

What to do? Open to suggestions.. both good and bad.

I could come up with excuses.. the new job.. the holidays.. maybe because I don't belong to a writing group here in Sacramento.. but none of it's true. It's something on the inside.. and I'm not sure what it is...

When Austin Powers lost his mojo.. someone stole it from him.. he just had to steal it back...

If only it were so easy..

Mind-full vs. Mind-less

2009-10-26T04:40:00Z

I haven't been writing.. I haven't been blogging.. I canceled Myspace and just checked Facebook for the first time in a week...

However, I have been working out.. a lot. In fact, I went for a 40 mile bike ride today.. and it was great.

So here's what I was thinking about while I rode (since I don't have an IPod, I think a lot when I'm on my bike, which is a good thing, I hope): Why does it seem like I'm able to focus on being a physical person or a mental person, but not both?

It seems that when I focus on going to the gym and eating right, that my writing goes right out the window. And when I'm writing and spending time on the computer, I sit on my ass and don't work out. Can't I do both?

It could be a matter of how many hours there are in a day, but I doubt it. My new job is taking up some of my time.. but not that much. And after all, it does seem that we can make time for those things that are important to us... and aren't both these things important?

That led me to thinking about people in general. Now this next part is going to be completely stereotypical.. I know.. and a huge generalization.. but still: Isn't it true that a lot of people that are in great physical shape, i.e. the "beautiful people", are not exactly known for their mental prowess? On the other hand, how many intellectuals end up on the cover of GQ?

Maybe we can just focus on one thing at a time. Maybe our bodies have evolved to either hunt and gather, or be scribes...

Who knows. The more physically active I am, the less I eat. Maybe my brain is starving and can't be creative...

There is, however, one thing I'm completely sure of. After riding 40 miles today.. my ass hurts sitting on this wooden chair.. But that's a good thing.. right..?