After this past year ended so well, I found myself on the receiving end of some unexpected twists of fate after the new year began.  And the more I pondered these twists in my life, the more i came to appreciate how judgement.. or perhaps more accurately judging others without our understanding them... affects all our lives.

So much of what causes pain in this world.. from wars and political actions, to social discrepancies and intolerance, to relationships and friendships... seem to be caused by people leaping to conclusions.. or perhaps gradually drifting to conclusions.. without taking the time to understand the other person.  I'm guilty of this as well I'm sure; I don't think it's ever possible to be 100 percent objective.  But on the flip side, any relationship.. whether between governments or people.. never fails because of being 100 percent the fault of either side.  I refuse to believe anyone is just dead wrong all the time.. and it makes me wonder how much hardship could be avoid if, to quote a much overused phrase, we all "just get along."

So what are the events of which I speak?  The year started with an economic impact to my life, one which, despite my greatest efforts, I was mystified to find a solution to.  I've never before in my life been in such a situation of utter frustration and confusion.  People and things sometimes make no sense to me.  Again, I would never say it was 100 percent anyone's fault; we all have to accept responsibility.  But what mystified me the most was the unwillingness of others to communicate and to try.  I'm unsure what motivates people to act in such a way.  I'm sure in their minds their position made perfect sense; I'd hate to attribute sheer cruelty to anyone.  But it's shocking how people can act, or refuse to act, without considering the ramifications of their actions on others.  Judgements without communication.. that lead to other's suffering.. we all need to think of others before we act.. and ask ourselves whether they're really trying to help before we jump to conclusions. Lesson learned.. always be willing to listen to the other side of the story before making a judgement.  I hope someday I get asked mine....

After this, the partner of a sibling died, a sibling that I've reached out to over and over and yet has remained distant for a long time.  Especially when we're down, I can't imagine anything more important than family.  And yet, people let judgement forestall any attempts for reconciliation, even as I reached out during a time like this.  And again, it mystifies me, as I've never understood what the issue between us is.  Perhaps I'm obtuse, in fact, it's very likely.  But all the more reason why we should give each other a chance to speak.. once, twice.. over and over.  There might never be reconciliation, but at least there might be understanding.  Does it ever hurt to listen?  I think not...  But listening takes two.. not only the person to allow another to speak.. but for the other party to be willing to speak.  As much as I study human drama as part of my writing.. it seems the less I understand it.  Nonetheless, there's a lesson learned.. never let a judgement sit forever.. people change, things change, there's never a reason not to reach out to friends and family.. or anyone.. over and over and over again.

And then my mother died.  She'd had a long struggle.. it was expected.  When I'd last seen her in the fall, she no longer recognized me.. and I'd been dealing with that for months.  I'm sure it'll take time to resolve itself within me; my father's death took  years.  But, while it wasn't unexpected, the actions of my siblings were yet another kick in the ass.  Due to years of religious differences, I found myself after the service sitting alone at a bar on my old college campus, drinking a beer and sharing my memories with myself.  Do I begrudge them their actions?  No, I sincerely believe that they're doing what they feel is best.  But again, judgement steps in to cause more rifts, and without counterbalance or understanding.  Lesson learned.. accept others for what they are.  Others are never going to be what we expect of them.. they're going to be themselves.  Is that so wrong?

And as I step away from this and continue on my journey, the thing that mystifies me the most is that those who judge the harshest.. are the ones who complain the most about being judged.  The religious minority, the societal edge, the fellow employee that feels the economic pinch...  And beyond being mystified by the harshness of their judgement is their unwillingness to communicate, to talk, to sit down and find a solution. 

I think it's because a solution requires us all to admit that we're 50 percent to blame.. and how many of us want to sit down and admit that?  it also requires us to compromise our positions 50 percent.. or more.. and too many people feel too comfortable with their judgements to ever admit that they might have to change them.  Because then.. well.. they'd have to admit they might be 50 percent wrong..

I've been reading a great book about mistakes and how society has come to associate mistakes with both evil and being a loser.  When it's exactly the opposite..  If we as a society had never admitted we'd made mistakes.. we'd still be sitting comfortably in our fachwerk houses in Europe worried that if we went to sea we'd sail off the edge of the world.  Science.. and progress.. is built on admitting that they way we used to do something was wrong.. that there's always a better way.  Mistakes are progress my friend.. feel free to stand up and admit that you've made one.

So after pondering this for the last few months, it's time to get my world back on track.  The only real risk of making a mistake is not learning anything from it.  That would truly be a tragedy.  And while the lessons I've learned are only 50 percent under my control.. I certainly hope they help me treat everyone 100 percent better in the future...