Back in March when I first got laid off, I blogged about home, and whether there is a place.. a specific place.. planned out for us in the world...

I'm in Michigan at the moment.. back "home"... I wanted to make a quick trip to visit my mother and some friends before I move again and start another life in California.  But as I drove from Detroit to Jackson to Lansing today.. I knew all these places.. but never really felt at home.  My mother is in a nursing home now.. I'll go to see her tomorrow before I leave.. but I went and sat on the porch of her old house yesterday as the sun set.. I recalled all of us being there.. but without her presence.. it didn't really feel like home anymore.. just a white-sided box of memories.  I even went by the house I built when I lived here... it's been well maintained, which I'm grateful for, but it was no more my home at this point than any of the many houses or apartments I've lived in...

When I last blogged on this subject, Val and Alex had some wonderful insights.. which I've pondered ever since.  Val noted that home is within.. not without.. and that I needed to keep the door to the world open.  I like that...   Alex reminded me that home is more a matter of choice than place.. and advised that I should create a list of things, feelings, emotions, environments, people, and vibes that are important.. and then make the list come true...  I really like that.  I think those insights answered my question about the advice I had given my friend years ago.. about our needing to be happy where we are now before thinking that we can be happy somewhere else.  We need to be happy with ourselves no matter where we are.. then we can be at home.. regardless of the place we sit and sleep...

Maybe that's it.. I'm still not sure... but maybe.  I head for a new place soon.. and I'm still working at  being happy with who I am now.. so I'll keep working at it.  But then, someday, maybe then I'll f6eel at home.. or not. Or maybe I'll be motivated to move on to a new place... Either way.. I can't let it bother me... I need to embrace it... to learn and to grow...

When I moved from Anchorage to Seattle.. I recall my mother asking me where I'd move next.  "I don't know," I said.... "Maybe California...  That's about the only other place in the US I can think of that I might want to live where I haven't been already."  So now, ironically enough, I'm going there.. and what if I find myself moving on two years from now.. where to next..?

Who knows.. overseas... the sea itself.. does it matter..?  Does it change me..? 

Yes.. it does.. but hopefully only in a good way... I need to reap the best of where I am.. the best of me.. and then if I have to move on .. I do so a better person... and I hope (without sounding too haughty).. that the lives of those I've touched are grateful for it...

So next weekend..  I pack up the truck and go.. to a new home..

Maybe I'll see you there sometime... somewhere out in the world.. my home....