In my writing group this morning we were discussing our character's motivation.. actually we we're discussing my character's motivation, to be honest.  I've been sharing the first draft of An American Crusade with them, and last time we met, I got some good feedback on making my character's motivation more clear earlier in the book.  It came back to haunt me today, because in the chapter we were discussing, some of the group were unclear on why one of the characters was acting the way he did, since I hadn't made his motivation clearer in the previous chapters.  I mean, I knew it.. at least I thought I did... but not every else knows my characters as well as I do.

Or.. at least as well as I thought I did...

The more we discussed this character, the more I realized he was a creature unto himself.  Frankly, I'm still getting to know him... because some of my fellows saw things about him that I hadn't yet.. but were absolutely dead right.  It'll help me to write him more clearly from now on.

When I left the group, at first it made me think about writing.  As I noted a couple of weeks ago in a comment I left on Stu's Blog, I never outline before I write.  I like doing it that way, because I love to watch my characters grow in ways I don't expect.. like what I learned about my character today that even I hadn't seen.  But then again.. it can also make my writing weak if I don't understand them well enough... so I'll have to think more on that and find some middle ground...

But second, and probably more important, while I was eating lunch, I started thing about motivation in general... not just in writing.. but in life...

The first aspect of course is why we write.  Why do some people write and others don't?  I think we all have things.. valuable things.. to say.  Maybe folks are daunted by writing .. or don't think they can.  That's a shame.  I think everyone has it in them.. they just need to let it out.  It's amazing how many people I talk to that say, "I've always thought I should write about..."  their life, or some experience, and they never do.  I was just talking to a co-worker last week who's writing about her experience in coming to the US from the Ukraine.  Fantastic!  But we all make a journey in life.. physical, spiritual, emotional.. I think we all have something to write about.  I keep telling everyone to just start writing.. you never know what might come out.  I know I didn't.  I wonder whether they will.. I hope so....

But too.. what motivates the rest of our lives.. can we really ever know?  I waned esoteric on that last week when I blogged, thinking about how to write a character that's not like myself... but it's been weighing on my mind ever since.  Recent events have made me ask myself why I'm doing what I am in life.. and is it the right thing?  I'm not sure.. but worse, I'm not sure that I'll ever be sure...

I don' know that I've ever had a sense of place... geographically or emotionally.. and I've been wandering for a long time.  I look at people that can be happy with a white picket fence.. whether it's in Omaha or Ottawa or Osaka... it doesn't matter.  I ask myself whether I should be like that.. or whether I should keep searching.  I tried to settle once.. didn't work out so well.. and I've been wandering ever since.  Is that good?  Well... I think it helps my writing.. but my life.. it makes kind of a mess of things...

But I know to just stop isn't the answer... the real solution is to figure out what's motivating me to wander in the first place.  What the hell am I looking for?  Maybe nothing.. maybe it's the journey itself and not the goal...  I'm not sure if I'm OK with that.. as much as I love adventure.. it can be unsettling sometimes...

Still.. I keep moving.. I think it's out there.. I just have to lay a finger on it.. touch it.. then I think I'll know it...

There are still a lot of blank sheets before me.. and I like that.. I wonder how many pages are left until the end...

A lot I hope.  And maybe along the way my characters and I will get to know each other.. and maybe figure each other out...

Maybe...

Then again.. maybe not....