A new blog for a new year.  It's been months since I've written.. months since I've blogged.  Things happen.. your world turns upside down.. and good habits you've gotten into vanish in favor of those oldest of habits.. sloth, apathy, distraction.. etc...

With everything that happened in my life last spring I lost some.. really most.. of my focus on what really is important in life.  I regained some of those things, and in many ways had a great summer of sailing and enjoying time with friends.  But somehow in all of this, I lost sight of a few of the things that make me the most happy.. my creativity and my drive to care for myself.  I put on some weight, and haven't written a word in nearly ten months now.

As I think about the new year, I realize that I need to refocus myself again.  Not that sitting around on my ass hasn't been fun.. I can certainly understand the appeal.. but really.. what does it accomplish?  As I look back on the year, I watched a lot of good movies.. I drank some great bottles of wine.. but what do I have to show for it.. other than DVD containers and empty bottles..?  Well .. that and another 20 pounds....

But it also makes me think about habits.. and human nature.  Why is it that those habits which make us feel better about ourselves and become better people - reading and continuing education, physical exercise, being creative, eating well, getting in touch with nature and spirituality - are often so difficult to maintain?  If I miss a couple of nights of exercise.. or even worse a week.. it takes three times as long to catch up.  Yet those habits that tend to be bad for us - eating junk food, drinking, watching a movie instead of reading a book, sitting on the couch - those habits we can fall back into in hours or days.  Why is the human animal so easily adaptable to bad habits and requires so much work for good ones?  And what does that say about our future.. as a people?

I'm not sure..

But I suppose in the end, we can only change it one good habit.. one person.. at a time.

So.. here's a first blog for the year.  Tonight I'll eat a salad, and I'll go to the gym.

And tomorrow.. well.. I hope I can keep it going.  Good luck to us all for another year...

I've written several times about how much I enjoy watching my characters grow in ways that I don't anticipate.  As I've said before, for better or for worse, I don't outline my entire novel before I get started.  Sure, I know where it starts and where it ends, and I generally have some idea what's going to happen in the middle in an effort to achieve a good arc for my story.  But what the characters themselves will actually do along the way.. the different directions in which they'll grow.. well, to be honest, sometimes I'm just as surprised as anyone by what might happen.  And frankly, I like it that way.  Having not had any children, it's just about the closest thing I can imagine to raising one.. other than maybe teaching my dog how to talk..  But I digress...

Truly, watching my characters on their journey of discovery is amazing.  Why, then, do I find myself often so resistent to just going with the flow?  Why do I persist down a certain life course when I'm not happy.. despite anything anyone might tell me?

So while I might encourage my characters to go with the flow.. I don't unless I'm forced to.. and then, to my surprise, I find myself in a better place than I was before.

By my own admittance, I got married way too quickly after college and found myself in a situation that felt out of control.  Again, I only blame myself for letting it get that way, locked into a life course I really didn't want.  And when it ended, I was lost... but on the flip side, after slogging through the mire, I found myself in a much better place.. emotionally and spiritually.. than I'd ever been.  Why didn't I take charge of that a long time ago?

When i got laid off from my job in Seattle, a certain junebug encouraged me to step back and appreciate what I had.. my boat.. my life.. my contact with nature.  But I let my move to California distract me and I ignored much of that advice.  And things in California have not been as smooth as I would have liked.. I've struggled a lot.  To the point that I found myself getting caught up.. no, rather distracted by.. a lifestyle that really wasn't mine.  And, again, despite the advice of dear friends, I pursued career goals to match that style rather than my life.

So when things turned upside down recently.. I was once again lost.  But, as with all the other downturns in my life... despite the fact that it sucks pretty bad when you're wallowing in the pit of moral and emotional goo.. I find myself in a better place on the other side.  A step back is a good place from which to review your life.. and I find myself refocused on some of the things I should have two years ago... my boat.. my life.. my contact with nature..  so thanks, junebug.

I'm fortunate.. and quite happy.. to say that each time I've been kicked in the ass.. something better was always waiting on the other side.  I hope it always stays that way.. 

So next time life points you in a new direction... maybe you should let it.  You never know where your characters might lead you....

After this past year ended so well, I found myself on the receiving end of some unexpected twists of fate after the new year began.  And the more I pondered these twists in my life, the more i came to appreciate how judgement.. or perhaps more accurately judging others without our understanding them... affects all our lives.

So much of what causes pain in this world.. from wars and political actions, to social discrepancies and intolerance, to relationships and friendships... seem to be caused by people leaping to conclusions.. or perhaps gradually drifting to conclusions.. without taking the time to understand the other person.  I'm guilty of this as well I'm sure; I don't think it's ever possible to be 100 percent objective.  But on the flip side, any relationship.. whether between governments or people.. never fails because of being 100 percent the fault of either side.  I refuse to believe anyone is just dead wrong all the time.. and it makes me wonder how much hardship could be avoid if, to quote a much overused phrase, we all "just get along."

So what are the events of which I speak?  The year started with an economic impact to my life, one which, despite my greatest efforts, I was mystified to find a solution to.  I've never before in my life been in such a situation of utter frustration and confusion.  People and things sometimes make no sense to me.  Again, I would never say it was 100 percent anyone's fault; we all have to accept responsibility.  But what mystified me the most was the unwillingness of others to communicate and to try.  I'm unsure what motivates people to act in such a way.  I'm sure in their minds their position made perfect sense; I'd hate to attribute sheer cruelty to anyone.  But it's shocking how people can act, or refuse to act, without considering the ramifications of their actions on others.  Judgements without communication.. that lead to other's suffering.. we all need to think of others before we act.. and ask ourselves whether they're really trying to help before we jump to conclusions. Lesson learned.. always be willing to listen to the other side of the story before making a judgement.  I hope someday I get asked mine....

After this, the partner of a sibling died, a sibling that I've reached out to over and over and yet has remained distant for a long time.  Especially when we're down, I can't imagine anything more important than family.  And yet, people let judgement forestall any attempts for reconciliation, even as I reached out during a time like this.  And again, it mystifies me, as I've never understood what the issue between us is.  Perhaps I'm obtuse, in fact, it's very likely.  But all the more reason why we should give each other a chance to speak.. once, twice.. over and over.  There might never be reconciliation, but at least there might be understanding.  Does it ever hurt to listen?  I think not...  But listening takes two.. not only the person to allow another to speak.. but for the other party to be willing to speak.  As much as I study human drama as part of my writing.. it seems the less I understand it.  Nonetheless, there's a lesson learned.. never let a judgement sit forever.. people change, things change, there's never a reason not to reach out to friends and family.. or anyone.. over and over and over again.

And then my mother died.  She'd had a long struggle.. it was expected.  When I'd last seen her in the fall, she no longer recognized me.. and I'd been dealing with that for months.  I'm sure it'll take time to resolve itself within me; my father's death took  years.  But, while it wasn't unexpected, the actions of my siblings were yet another kick in the ass.  Due to years of religious differences, I found myself after the service sitting alone at a bar on my old college campus, drinking a beer and sharing my memories with myself.  Do I begrudge them their actions?  No, I sincerely believe that they're doing what they feel is best.  But again, judgement steps in to cause more rifts, and without counterbalance or understanding.  Lesson learned.. accept others for what they are.  Others are never going to be what we expect of them.. they're going to be themselves.  Is that so wrong?

And as I step away from this and continue on my journey, the thing that mystifies me the most is that those who judge the harshest.. are the ones who complain the most about being judged.  The religious minority, the societal edge, the fellow employee that feels the economic pinch...  And beyond being mystified by the harshness of their judgement is their unwillingness to communicate, to talk, to sit down and find a solution. 

I think it's because a solution requires us all to admit that we're 50 percent to blame.. and how many of us want to sit down and admit that?  it also requires us to compromise our positions 50 percent.. or more.. and too many people feel too comfortable with their judgements to ever admit that they might have to change them.  Because then.. well.. they'd have to admit they might be 50 percent wrong..

I've been reading a great book about mistakes and how society has come to associate mistakes with both evil and being a loser.  When it's exactly the opposite..  If we as a society had never admitted we'd made mistakes.. we'd still be sitting comfortably in our fachwerk houses in Europe worried that if we went to sea we'd sail off the edge of the world.  Science.. and progress.. is built on admitting that they way we used to do something was wrong.. that there's always a better way.  Mistakes are progress my friend.. feel free to stand up and admit that you've made one.

So after pondering this for the last few months, it's time to get my world back on track.  The only real risk of making a mistake is not learning anything from it.  That would truly be a tragedy.  And while the lessons I've learned are only 50 percent under my control.. I certainly hope they help me treat everyone 100 percent better in the future...

Now that I'm working on REM again, I've been enjoying the creativity of watching my characters evolve.  As I mentioned before in my blogs, for better or for worse, I never outline my books before I write them.  While this may constitute poor writing practice, I love the freedom of creative expression it gives me, watching how from day to day my story evolves and winds its way toward the conclusion of the arc along a path that I've never seen when I start down the road.

So too with my characters.  Many times a character I've thrown in as a placeholder or a sometimes even a feature of the landscape steps forward to play a major role in the story, and I never saw it coming.  Recently in REM a simple dishwasher has become a guide along the protagonist's path.. who knew?  I certainly didn't.

As I thought more about it this morning, it made me wonder if this lack of an outline affects my life as well.  Most of the time it seems we outline our lives.. we purchase, we plan, we know exactly where our future is going.  I did too.. until it took an unexpected turn.  For a time I thought it had destroyed my path.  But instead, it actually revealed it.  Now, I've let planning take more of a backstage in my life.. allowing myself to evolve in ways I never saw coming, just like my characters.  Every time I think something bad has occurred, it's actually become a good thing, a new opportunity, a chance to evolve.  I hope that trend continues.

Many people need to plan, they seek the comfort of it, and for them, I think that's great.  We should all do what we feel comfortable with. 

But for me.. I think I'm going to keep writing.. going to keep watching.. going to keep evolving.  Makes me wonder what other characters I'll meet along the way....

Welcome all to the new year.. 

I found the last one a bit draining.. creatively, that is.  I did publish The First Coming, and completed a second draft of An American Crusade, but I spent the year editing, not creating, and I found.. I missed it.  

Although editing is a necessary evil.. it doesn't ever meet the same creative need that writing a first draft does.. at least not for me.  When I'm writing, the characters are living with me.. inside me.. to the point where I miss them when I finish a book.  And over the past year, I missed creating someone new.

But the new year is off to a good start.  I've started working on REM again, and it's been a long time since I've touched it.  I found that in the interim I lost a chapter somewhere in shuffling electronic files, but nonetheless I'm moving forward.  And I have to say.. it feels amazing to be writing a first draft again.. to share my life with my characters.

I find that I often ask people what they do for a creative outlet.. and I get a variety of answers.  Some few also write, many play an instrument, some paint.  But it's surprising how many don't really have one they can lay their fingers on.  How many of us are going through life... through the year... and never expressing ourselves?  Are we too busy?  Too distracted?  Because I can't believe that every one of us doesn't have something creative to express... and I find that, for myself, I feel better when I do.  Much, much better.   This last month has been really good for me. Hey, I'm even blogging again..!

So my wish for you all for the new year..?  Express yourselves creatively..  Do something.. take some time.  It will help you better understand yourself.. others.. the world.. life.. everything.  Just pick something you love.. and do it.

Trust me.. it's worth the time...

Good luck! 

I just got back from a few days in Belize.. thought that I would get away and get some vacation before starting my new job today.  My goal.. scuba.. sun.. drinking.. In all three of these things I succeeded…

But I ended up with more than I bargained for.  Not that I should have been surprised.  Whenever I travel.. especially whenever I travel internationally.. for better or for worse,. I tend to become very introspective.. especially the more that I spend time getting to know people.

When I first started traveling after my divorce, I spent almost all my time alone.  I rented a car, drove from place to place, and then got on a plane and went home.  But lately I’ve been traveling by bus or train.. staying places where there are large groups of people.. and taking the time to meet people.  In India.. Egypt.. Turkey.. it’s been a great experience.. meeting both locals and fellow travelers.

This time.. I met a couple on their honeymoon.. just starting off their life.. setting their priorities.  I met a man from the US who started a restaurant along the beach.. I met a couple that had come together from two different countries.. the US and Columbia.. to build a life together.  And I started to ask myself.. what should I be doing with my life?

Most people seem to get this wanderlust out of their system early on.. like this lady I met from Vancouver that had traveled Asia and Africa and had now settled in Belize with her eight year old daughter.  But.. for  better or for worse.. I did my decade of settling down right out of college.. and now what?  Maybe it’s a good thing.. maybe I’m older and wiser when I begin my journey.. then again.. maybe I’ll never start..

I think I’ve done a lot in my life..  I’ve traveled..  I’ve written two novels.. I have a relatively successful career..  but I find myself wanting more.. not more stuff.. I’m actually going in the other direction on that.. but more .. experience..

What do I want to be?

I want to be creative.. I want to write.. I want to experience something more than the corporate world.. I want to give back.. I want to help.. I want to be international.. I want to live.. and while I don’t want to live in the five star world.. I don’t want to live out of a backpack either.. I want to be comfortable.  Above all.. I really do want to share it with someone else…

So how do I start?  Can I?  I don’t think It’s too late.. but what do I give up to get there?  My job.. my stuff.. my comfort zone.. ?  And will I succeed?  And what's the backup plan if it doesn't?  Should there be one?  Maybe not.. maybe that's part of the adventure...

Thoreau said that he didn’t want to look back on life and find that he had not lived.. I don’t either.. like the young couple I met.. I need to set my priorities.. and then go after them.. I need to bridge different worlds like the other couple.. but maybe I need to pick a place to call home at some point too.. like the man from the US... even if.. or maybe especially if.. it's an international place. 

I know what I want to be.. I’m just not sure the path to get there.. and that makes me afraid to take the first step. But like any of my travels.. once I’m out the door.. it all seems to work out.  Maybe I just need to open the door.. to go.. and see what happens.

And maybe.. just maybe.. I’ll meet someone along the way…

Watch for it.

I've been thinking about the topic of free will for the last couple of weeks. 

It first came to my mind while watching a movie.. a movie which I'd rather not mention for fear of embarrassment.. not that it's a bad movie.. just doesn't add any bonus points to me in the "Having Refined Taste" column, like many of my favorite movies.. but I digress.   Nonetheless, it brought up the topic of free will ... in this instance in the religious sense.  But the political campaign commercials have also brought it up that arena as well.  What really is free will?

Having been raised in a very religious household.. I often pondered this.  The message was always.. God gave us free will to decide whether to serve him or not. Great.. but how free is that?  The choices being.. serve and be blessed.. or choose not to.. which you could.. and die.  Is that really free?  Shouldn't free will really allow for you to choose the "no" answer.. and still not suffer punishment?  I guess the thought was not that you'd be punished.. you just wouldn't be blessed and helped.. but in some ways.. that seems like a bit of a technicality...

Moving forward in my life to politics.. I'm living in Seattle.  I really liked Seattle.. but I have to admit that it was, as I called it, a region of "liberal fascism."  How so?  Well, they prided themselves on being liberal.. which is great.. but if you weren't the same kind of liberal as they were.. you weren't accepted.  How liberal is that really?  If you're really liberal.. or religious and serving a God of love.. shouldn't you accept people on their terms.. not your own?  Seems a bit hypocritical.. on the surface at least..

So now we face the elections in California.. and all the ballots that go with it.  Me.. I'm more of a moderate.. I tend to vote for democratic candidates.. but differ with the party in large ways when in comes to things like capital punishment and welfare, for instance.  Still there are many issues on the ballots these days.. gay marriage.. legalizing marijuana..   Am I going to do these things?  Probably not..  (re: gay marriage.. I'm straight.. just throwing that out there).. but should I try and legislate someone else's free will?  If it doesn't affect my life.. no.. I shouldn't.. and why should anyone else? 

What is living in a free country if we can't exercise free will?  How free is it?

Do I have the answers.. course not.. If I did.. I'd be running the place.  And I see that when my actions affect others.. then yes.. someone should step in and say no.  But insofar as your actions affect only you.. whether it's your sex habits.. or your drug habits.. or even if you want to wear a helmet when you ride your motorcycle.. should government.. or God for all that matter.. tell you what to do?  So long as you're willing to step up and accept the consequences of your actions.. and I mean really accept them, not suing the tobacco companies 20 years later because you chose to smoke.. then no.. I think that is truly free will..

Free will isn't freedom to do whatever the hell you want to whoever you want.... like some teenage kid.. but freedom to make a decision and live with the results.. and as long as I'm willing to do that.. who can condemn me? 

And neither should I condemn others.. Unlike others close to me.. I honestly think I've learned to not only let go of my irritation for others' choices in the past that impacted me.. but I've also learned to respect their right to feel that way.  More power to them.. I hope their lives go well.. truly..

To all of us.. have a go at it.. choose freely.. and more power to you.. but don't blame me if you don't like how it turns out..

So here I am, riding down a deserted road at near midnight, a truck battery in a pack on my back..

But I digress.  The story really starts here...  

A couple of weeks ago I was driving back to San Francisco from Sacramento.  I had taken a bike ride after work, so by the time I needed to stop for gas, it was dark, about 10 in the evening.  I pulled into a gas station on what must have been my truck battery's last legs.  By the time I was done filling up, the battery was so dead it wouldn't even accept a charge from the one person willing to help me.

So after pushing my truck off to the side, not one person in the parking lot would give me a ride the six miles to a Walmart for a new battery.  Luckily I had my bike in the back of my truck.. and a knapsack.  So an hour and half later, at midnight... after the aforementioned ride.. I was back on the road.

But what's up with people not helping people anymore?

A few years back, I was traveling through Colorado, and out in the middle of nowhere I stopped to get something to drink.  I happened to notice that the car next to me was leaking transmission fluid on the ground.  The owners, two young women driving from somewhere back East to Portland, had just bought it and didn't realize their transmission was nearly empty.  I happily sent them on their way with a full transmission and two quarts to spare.  I hope they made it.

I'm not trying to suggest I'm anything special; I certainly hope I'm not.  But looking back on a lifetime of changing oil and flat tires, helping people move, installing ceramic tile.. the list goes on.. I can't relate to people not stepping up to help their fellowman.. fellow person.. anymore.

At the same gas station Friday night, people are waiting in line for gas.. I waited.  As I'm pumping, two young women pull in through the exit into an empty slot, displacing a person waiting that was about to pull up.  When I mentioned it, I got asked, "What do you care?" and shown the finger.

Next time you can.. make a difference.. I certainly hope we're not all headed in that direction... are we?

I watched a really interesting movie last week, called Unthinkable.  Very original, very well done.  It involved a man captured for setting atomic bombs in major US cities for what he believed to be the cause of Islam. 

Politics aside, you can feel what you will about how people fight for their causes.  While violence is never an answer, for either side, we all certainly have room to grow in the Middle East.

Nonetheless, the title of the movie came not from his actions, but from how the US government agents reacted to him.

There was a female character, played by Carrie Ann Moss, who started out very noble, insisting that the terrorist not be tortured or abused.  But toward the end of the movie, as the clock on the bombs ticked away to zero, she was willing to let them to anything to that man.. and his wife.. and his children... to get the information they needed.  She willingly abandoned all she stood for.. when push came to shove.

Do we?  Do I?  It made me wonder what I'd do in a situation like that.  Or.. perhaps with more relevance.. what I do in situations much less important than that.  Are there times when I sacrifice my standards for much less important things than life or death?

I've heard the golden rule applied both ways... do unto others as you would like them to do unto you can be a excellent principle to live by.  But some also feel that we should do unto others before they do to us... not just in war.. but in relationships as well.  How many times have I done unto someone before they've done unto me.. or.. worse yet.. when they might never have...?

If you get a chance to watch the movie.. as I said, regardless of your politics.. it's worth it.  It's one of those stories I wish I had written.  And then, afterward, step back and ask yourself at what point would you do unto someone something you'd never want done to you.. something.. well.. unthinkable.  At what point is it justified..?  Ever?

I'm still trying to figure it out...