I've been writing all weekend.. and it feels amazing.  I must have added 6000 more words to REM, and it just keeps flowing.  Hope to add another 1500 before I crash tonight.

When I got up this morning, I had things to do.. the boring life stuff.. work, laundry, cleaning, had to work on my boat...  and I did stuff for work first thing.  But after that.. when I probably should have been doing laundry.. I wrote.. and then I wrote some more.. and then I wrote some more.  I kept thinking to myself.. I really need to get shit done.. but the words were flowing and I kept writing.  Two chapters later it was 4 PM.. and did I feel like the day had slipped away?  Not at all... because I hadn't just wasted it.. I had spent the day doing something that made me feel good about myself... writing and creating.

After the second chapter.. I did get some other things done.. things that made me feel just as good about myself as the writing did.  I rode my bike to the office.. then I rode it to my boat.. worked on the boat.. and rode home.  About 16 miles in all.. so in the end.. I got the work stuff.. the boat stuff.. and the exercise stuff done anyway.  But if I hadn't spent the day writing.. making myself feel better about who I am and my creativity.. who knows if I would have done that.. or whether I would have just sat around on my ass.. and really lost the day.

Lesson learned.. take some time for yourself... to do something that makes you feel good.. at least once in a while.. if not more often.  The laundry.. the cleaning.. it can wait.  But you can't.. your time might be priceless.. but so are you.. so spend some on yourself.  I can't imagine you'll miss it.. in fact.. I'm pretty sure you'll like how it feels...

Enjoy.. I know I will...

I finally got back to writing this weekend.. and it felt good!  About 4000 words for REM.. and 4000 words I feel really good about.  I probably could have just written something.. and probably should have at some time over the past year.. but I couldn't bring myself to write without feeling the proper.. inspiration.. creativity.. muse.. not sure what the best word would be.. but I needed to feel something... so that I wasn't writing crap just to get some words on the paper.  But after this weekend.. not only did I write some good stuff.. I finally feel comfortable with where the book is heading.. and I figured out the rest of the story arc.. something that had been adding to my reluctance to write up until now.

But it raises the question.. why hadn't I been feeling the inspiration before this?  I mean.. last year I went through some crap.. as we all do.. and I was having a rough time getting started again.. But a whole year? Really..?  Especially when writing felt so good this weekend.  Why did it take me so long to get back to it?

It seems like sometimes we delay doing those things that might be best for us...  whether it might be resolving a rough spot in an old relationship... losing that 20 pounds.. taking a class to improve ourselves... we know it's good for us.. and yet put off doing it.  Why?  I love writing.. and the creativity makes me feel good about myself.. but I've struggled with just sitting down and doing it for so long.. and I'm really not sure why.

But now that I'm back at it.. I look forward to keeping it going.. The creative juices are flowing.. and I plan to keep them that way.  With any luck.. I'll have REM finished by the end of summer.. and who knows what I'll write next.  It's exciting.. and I feel good about myself for doing it.  Now maybe it's time to lose that 20 pounds..

My friend and fellow author Val has started her own online magazine, Tuck Magazine.  Her current issue is an excellent introduction to a variety of folks who share the creative world we live in.  I contributed two works of flash fiction I wrote a few years back to her March issue.  I invite you to check out her magazine at TuckMagazine.com.  Enjoy....

A new blog for a new year.  It's been months since I've written.. months since I've blogged.  Things happen.. your world turns upside down.. and good habits you've gotten into vanish in favor of those oldest of habits.. sloth, apathy, distraction.. etc...

With everything that happened in my life last spring I lost some.. really most.. of my focus on what really is important in life.  I regained some of those things, and in many ways had a great summer of sailing and enjoying time with friends.  But somehow in all of this, I lost sight of a few of the things that make me the most happy.. my creativity and my drive to care for myself.  I put on some weight, and haven't written a word in nearly ten months now.

As I think about the new year, I realize that I need to refocus myself again.  Not that sitting around on my ass hasn't been fun.. I can certainly understand the appeal.. but really.. what does it accomplish?  As I look back on the year, I watched a lot of good movies.. I drank some great bottles of wine.. but what do I have to show for it.. other than DVD containers and empty bottles..?  Well .. that and another 20 pounds....

But it also makes me think about habits.. and human nature.  Why is it that those habits which make us feel better about ourselves and become better people - reading and continuing education, physical exercise, being creative, eating well, getting in touch with nature and spirituality - are often so difficult to maintain?  If I miss a couple of nights of exercise.. or even worse a week.. it takes three times as long to catch up.  Yet those habits that tend to be bad for us - eating junk food, drinking, watching a movie instead of reading a book, sitting on the couch - those habits we can fall back into in hours or days.  Why is the human animal so easily adaptable to bad habits and requires so much work for good ones?  And what does that say about our future.. as a people?

I'm not sure..

But I suppose in the end, we can only change it one good habit.. one person.. at a time.

So.. here's a first blog for the year.  Tonight I'll eat a salad, and I'll go to the gym.

And tomorrow.. well.. I hope I can keep it going.  Good luck to us all for another year...

I've written several times about how much I enjoy watching my characters grow in ways that I don't anticipate.  As I've said before, for better or for worse, I don't outline my entire novel before I get started.  Sure, I know where it starts and where it ends, and I generally have some idea what's going to happen in the middle in an effort to achieve a good arc for my story.  But what the characters themselves will actually do along the way.. the different directions in which they'll grow.. well, to be honest, sometimes I'm just as surprised as anyone by what might happen.  And frankly, I like it that way.  Having not had any children, it's just about the closest thing I can imagine to raising one.. other than maybe teaching my dog how to talk..  But I digress...

Truly, watching my characters on their journey of discovery is amazing.  Why, then, do I find myself often so resistent to just going with the flow?  Why do I persist down a certain life course when I'm not happy.. despite anything anyone might tell me?

So while I might encourage my characters to go with the flow.. I don't unless I'm forced to.. and then, to my surprise, I find myself in a better place than I was before.

By my own admittance, I got married way too quickly after college and found myself in a situation that felt out of control.  Again, I only blame myself for letting it get that way, locked into a life course I really didn't want.  And when it ended, I was lost... but on the flip side, after slogging through the mire, I found myself in a much better place.. emotionally and spiritually.. than I'd ever been.  Why didn't I take charge of that a long time ago?

When i got laid off from my job in Seattle, a certain junebug encouraged me to step back and appreciate what I had.. my boat.. my life.. my contact with nature.  But I let my move to California distract me and I ignored much of that advice.  And things in California have not been as smooth as I would have liked.. I've struggled a lot.  To the point that I found myself getting caught up.. no, rather distracted by.. a lifestyle that really wasn't mine.  And, again, despite the advice of dear friends, I pursued career goals to match that style rather than my life.

So when things turned upside down recently.. I was once again lost.  But, as with all the other downturns in my life... despite the fact that it sucks pretty bad when you're wallowing in the pit of moral and emotional goo.. I find myself in a better place on the other side.  A step back is a good place from which to review your life.. and I find myself refocused on some of the things I should have two years ago... my boat.. my life.. my contact with nature..  so thanks, junebug.

I'm fortunate.. and quite happy.. to say that each time I've been kicked in the ass.. something better was always waiting on the other side.  I hope it always stays that way.. 

So next time life points you in a new direction... maybe you should let it.  You never know where your characters might lead you....

After this past year ended so well, I found myself on the receiving end of some unexpected twists of fate after the new year began.  And the more I pondered these twists in my life, the more i came to appreciate how judgement.. or perhaps more accurately judging others without our understanding them... affects all our lives.

So much of what causes pain in this world.. from wars and political actions, to social discrepancies and intolerance, to relationships and friendships... seem to be caused by people leaping to conclusions.. or perhaps gradually drifting to conclusions.. without taking the time to understand the other person.  I'm guilty of this as well I'm sure; I don't think it's ever possible to be 100 percent objective.  But on the flip side, any relationship.. whether between governments or people.. never fails because of being 100 percent the fault of either side.  I refuse to believe anyone is just dead wrong all the time.. and it makes me wonder how much hardship could be avoid if, to quote a much overused phrase, we all "just get along."

So what are the events of which I speak?  The year started with an economic impact to my life, one which, despite my greatest efforts, I was mystified to find a solution to.  I've never before in my life been in such a situation of utter frustration and confusion.  People and things sometimes make no sense to me.  Again, I would never say it was 100 percent anyone's fault; we all have to accept responsibility.  But what mystified me the most was the unwillingness of others to communicate and to try.  I'm unsure what motivates people to act in such a way.  I'm sure in their minds their position made perfect sense; I'd hate to attribute sheer cruelty to anyone.  But it's shocking how people can act, or refuse to act, without considering the ramifications of their actions on others.  Judgements without communication.. that lead to other's suffering.. we all need to think of others before we act.. and ask ourselves whether they're really trying to help before we jump to conclusions. Lesson learned.. always be willing to listen to the other side of the story before making a judgement.  I hope someday I get asked mine....

After this, the partner of a sibling died, a sibling that I've reached out to over and over and yet has remained distant for a long time.  Especially when we're down, I can't imagine anything more important than family.  And yet, people let judgement forestall any attempts for reconciliation, even as I reached out during a time like this.  And again, it mystifies me, as I've never understood what the issue between us is.  Perhaps I'm obtuse, in fact, it's very likely.  But all the more reason why we should give each other a chance to speak.. once, twice.. over and over.  There might never be reconciliation, but at least there might be understanding.  Does it ever hurt to listen?  I think not...  But listening takes two.. not only the person to allow another to speak.. but for the other party to be willing to speak.  As much as I study human drama as part of my writing.. it seems the less I understand it.  Nonetheless, there's a lesson learned.. never let a judgement sit forever.. people change, things change, there's never a reason not to reach out to friends and family.. or anyone.. over and over and over again.

And then my mother died.  She'd had a long struggle.. it was expected.  When I'd last seen her in the fall, she no longer recognized me.. and I'd been dealing with that for months.  I'm sure it'll take time to resolve itself within me; my father's death took  years.  But, while it wasn't unexpected, the actions of my siblings were yet another kick in the ass.  Due to years of religious differences, I found myself after the service sitting alone at a bar on my old college campus, drinking a beer and sharing my memories with myself.  Do I begrudge them their actions?  No, I sincerely believe that they're doing what they feel is best.  But again, judgement steps in to cause more rifts, and without counterbalance or understanding.  Lesson learned.. accept others for what they are.  Others are never going to be what we expect of them.. they're going to be themselves.  Is that so wrong?

And as I step away from this and continue on my journey, the thing that mystifies me the most is that those who judge the harshest.. are the ones who complain the most about being judged.  The religious minority, the societal edge, the fellow employee that feels the economic pinch...  And beyond being mystified by the harshness of their judgement is their unwillingness to communicate, to talk, to sit down and find a solution. 

I think it's because a solution requires us all to admit that we're 50 percent to blame.. and how many of us want to sit down and admit that?  it also requires us to compromise our positions 50 percent.. or more.. and too many people feel too comfortable with their judgements to ever admit that they might have to change them.  Because then.. well.. they'd have to admit they might be 50 percent wrong..

I've been reading a great book about mistakes and how society has come to associate mistakes with both evil and being a loser.  When it's exactly the opposite..  If we as a society had never admitted we'd made mistakes.. we'd still be sitting comfortably in our fachwerk houses in Europe worried that if we went to sea we'd sail off the edge of the world.  Science.. and progress.. is built on admitting that they way we used to do something was wrong.. that there's always a better way.  Mistakes are progress my friend.. feel free to stand up and admit that you've made one.

So after pondering this for the last few months, it's time to get my world back on track.  The only real risk of making a mistake is not learning anything from it.  That would truly be a tragedy.  And while the lessons I've learned are only 50 percent under my control.. I certainly hope they help me treat everyone 100 percent better in the future...

Now that I'm working on REM again, I've been enjoying the creativity of watching my characters evolve.  As I mentioned before in my blogs, for better or for worse, I never outline my books before I write them.  While this may constitute poor writing practice, I love the freedom of creative expression it gives me, watching how from day to day my story evolves and winds its way toward the conclusion of the arc along a path that I've never seen when I start down the road.

So too with my characters.  Many times a character I've thrown in as a placeholder or a sometimes even a feature of the landscape steps forward to play a major role in the story, and I never saw it coming.  Recently in REM a simple dishwasher has become a guide along the protagonist's path.. who knew?  I certainly didn't.

As I thought more about it this morning, it made me wonder if this lack of an outline affects my life as well.  Most of the time it seems we outline our lives.. we purchase, we plan, we know exactly where our future is going.  I did too.. until it took an unexpected turn.  For a time I thought it had destroyed my path.  But instead, it actually revealed it.  Now, I've let planning take more of a backstage in my life.. allowing myself to evolve in ways I never saw coming, just like my characters.  Every time I think something bad has occurred, it's actually become a good thing, a new opportunity, a chance to evolve.  I hope that trend continues.

Many people need to plan, they seek the comfort of it, and for them, I think that's great.  We should all do what we feel comfortable with. 

But for me.. I think I'm going to keep writing.. going to keep watching.. going to keep evolving.  Makes me wonder what other characters I'll meet along the way....

Welcome all to the new year.. 

I found the last one a bit draining.. creatively, that is.  I did publish The First Coming, and completed a second draft of An American Crusade, but I spent the year editing, not creating, and I found.. I missed it.  

Although editing is a necessary evil.. it doesn't ever meet the same creative need that writing a first draft does.. at least not for me.  When I'm writing, the characters are living with me.. inside me.. to the point where I miss them when I finish a book.  And over the past year, I missed creating someone new.

But the new year is off to a good start.  I've started working on REM again, and it's been a long time since I've touched it.  I found that in the interim I lost a chapter somewhere in shuffling electronic files, but nonetheless I'm moving forward.  And I have to say.. it feels amazing to be writing a first draft again.. to share my life with my characters.

I find that I often ask people what they do for a creative outlet.. and I get a variety of answers.  Some few also write, many play an instrument, some paint.  But it's surprising how many don't really have one they can lay their fingers on.  How many of us are going through life... through the year... and never expressing ourselves?  Are we too busy?  Too distracted?  Because I can't believe that every one of us doesn't have something creative to express... and I find that, for myself, I feel better when I do.  Much, much better.   This last month has been really good for me. Hey, I'm even blogging again..!

So my wish for you all for the new year..?  Express yourselves creatively..  Do something.. take some time.  It will help you better understand yourself.. others.. the world.. life.. everything.  Just pick something you love.. and do it.

Trust me.. it's worth the time...

Good luck! 

I just got back from a few days in Belize.. thought that I would get away and get some vacation before starting my new job today.  My goal.. scuba.. sun.. drinking.. In all three of these things I succeeded…

But I ended up with more than I bargained for.  Not that I should have been surprised.  Whenever I travel.. especially whenever I travel internationally.. for better or for worse,. I tend to become very introspective.. especially the more that I spend time getting to know people.

When I first started traveling after my divorce, I spent almost all my time alone.  I rented a car, drove from place to place, and then got on a plane and went home.  But lately I’ve been traveling by bus or train.. staying places where there are large groups of people.. and taking the time to meet people.  In India.. Egypt.. Turkey.. it’s been a great experience.. meeting both locals and fellow travelers.

This time.. I met a couple on their honeymoon.. just starting off their life.. setting their priorities.  I met a man from the US who started a restaurant along the beach.. I met a couple that had come together from two different countries.. the US and Columbia.. to build a life together.  And I started to ask myself.. what should I be doing with my life?

Most people seem to get this wanderlust out of their system early on.. like this lady I met from Vancouver that had traveled Asia and Africa and had now settled in Belize with her eight year old daughter.  But.. for  better or for worse.. I did my decade of settling down right out of college.. and now what?  Maybe it’s a good thing.. maybe I’m older and wiser when I begin my journey.. then again.. maybe I’ll never start..

I think I’ve done a lot in my life..  I’ve traveled..  I’ve written two novels.. I have a relatively successful career..  but I find myself wanting more.. not more stuff.. I’m actually going in the other direction on that.. but more .. experience..

What do I want to be?

I want to be creative.. I want to write.. I want to experience something more than the corporate world.. I want to give back.. I want to help.. I want to be international.. I want to live.. and while I don’t want to live in the five star world.. I don’t want to live out of a backpack either.. I want to be comfortable.  Above all.. I really do want to share it with someone else…

So how do I start?  Can I?  I don’t think It’s too late.. but what do I give up to get there?  My job.. my stuff.. my comfort zone.. ?  And will I succeed?  And what's the backup plan if it doesn't?  Should there be one?  Maybe not.. maybe that's part of the adventure...

Thoreau said that he didn’t want to look back on life and find that he had not lived.. I don’t either.. like the young couple I met.. I need to set my priorities.. and then go after them.. I need to bridge different worlds like the other couple.. but maybe I need to pick a place to call home at some point too.. like the man from the US... even if.. or maybe especially if.. it's an international place. 

I know what I want to be.. I’m just not sure the path to get there.. and that makes me afraid to take the first step. But like any of my travels.. once I’m out the door.. it all seems to work out.  Maybe I just need to open the door.. to go.. and see what happens.

And maybe.. just maybe.. I’ll meet someone along the way…

Watch for it.